Up until June, I had a subscription to GOLF Magazine. Being a golf hobbyist, I figured it was probably a good idea to subscribe to it because they have tips on how to improve your game, among other things. So I have a collection of about 24 GOLF Magazines in my nightstand drawer. However, I found that I was not reading these magazines as much as I thought I would. Maybe it was because I was busy with other things. Or maybe it was because I was looking at golf tip videos on YouTube, which were more informative, I thought. Additionally, my neighbor/friend Keith, who played golf for his high school, has sort of been an informal coach for me. Whatever the reason, I just didn't read the magazines that much. So when my subscription ran out, I chose not to renew the subscription, despite the fact that GOLF was sending me more and more enticing offers as the subscription expiration date crept closer and closer. First, the offers were like $30 for two years, and then $20 for two years. Each offer became more and more tantalizing. GOLF, which is put out by Sports Illustrated, even went so far as to offer me an SI subscription for $20, with a free Redskins jacket. However, I resisted ALL of these offers. A month later, I figured that was the end of it.
Fast forward to Wednesday morning last week, when I woke up and went to the living room to find a piece of mail Brianne had left on the back of our living room chair for me. It was an envelope from GOLF Magazine, and in bold letters, the front of the envelope read "WE WANT YOU BACK!" Can you say "desperate"? The offer inside was $9.00 for one year, plus a free package of Callaway Golf Balls. It's at this point that I realized GOLF Magazine is that ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend who just can't let go. You know, the one that you break up with because they are a hot mess (my thanks to my dear friend Alicia for teaching me that phrase). The one that you found you had nothing in common with at all. The one from whom you grew apart and who grew apart from you, but still, they cannot let go.
Why do we have such trouble letting go of past relationships? Trust me, I'm not trying to go all Carrie Bradshaw/Candace Bushnell on you. Come on, I'm the guy with the drunk chicken. But I have talked to friends and clients alike who talk about how they wonder if they were still with so and so, what would their life be like today. My short answer to them would be "Probably just as screwed up as it was back then!" The reason why we have problems letting go of the past is due to our habit of romanticizing that past. When a relationship ends, we force ourselves to put blinders on so we can focus on the great parts of the relationship and forsake the negative things that caused the demise of said relationship in the first place. When we focus on how "wonderful" the relationship was, we use that as ammo to tell ourselves "See, we had a great thing going. Why would she want to end things?" Inevitably we get angry, and this anger turns into depression. Just like with the death of a loved one, we go through Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief:
1) Denial: "She doesn't really want to break up, she is just having a bad day...week...month. We're fine. This will blow over!"
2) Anger: "What the fuck was she thinking? She thinks I have issues? No, she's the one with issues!"
3) Bargaining: "You don't think I am the committing type? What if I asked you to marry me right now. Would that change your mind?"
4) Depression: "What's the point? I'm never going to meet anyone else? My life is over!"
5) Acceptance: "Everything will be okay. I will meet a good woman at some point! No worries."
My point is, when you are in a long-term relationship, you get very comfortable, no matter what may be going on in it, good or bad. When that relationship comes to an end, you have to re-learn how to be you as a single person. Nobody likes change, and the end of a long-term relationship is a major change, and we must grieve as part of that transition period. For instance, I love Brianne more than anyone in this world! She is my rock and a major reason why I have matured greatly as a man over the past 10+ years. I cannot imagine my life without her in it. I am confident she feels the same way about me. Personally, I don't know if I would be able to function half as well without her in my life as I do with her in it. That's what comes from more than a decade of learning what makes each other tick, of growing as individuals and as a couple together. Our relationship is solid, though not perfect. If anyone tells you they have a perfect marriage or other relationship, they are blowing smoke up your ass. There is no such thing! So if, for whatever reason, Brianne was no longer in my life, it would take me a long time to adjust to that change, as it would be for her. But that's not going to happen! I love her way too much and she reciprocates that love. Yeah, I know we're pizzled.
So, it's easy to figure out why, when our relationships end, we become more desperate than an emo kid staring at a boxful of razor blades. We feel a big gaping hole in our heart, and our lives from which we recover only by doing our best to go on with our lives, instead of sitting at home in the dark chain smoking and eating bag after bag of Cheesy Poofs.
So what did I do about Golf Magazine. Though the box of free golf balls was enticing, I did not feed into their co-dependent view of our former relationship. I have moved on, and I hope GOLF will too.
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