Ready for Spring!

Yeah, I know. It has been forever since I have made an entry on my blog. I told you all at the outset that this blog was going to be a half-assed effort on my part. So I have not disappointed. I guess to be considered a serious blogger, you have to write something everyday, which I have neither the time or energy/desire to do. Whether it's because I am at work, or just chilling out at home with Brianne, I have things in my life that rank much higher on my priority list than religiously maintaining a blog that like two or three people read (Hey, sis!).

To quickly catch everyone up, the following is a list of things that have happened since December 9th, the date of my last entry:

1) Christmas: Got a lot of nice things, such as new golf shoes, some movies and the new Helmet CD. It sounds pretty good, but not their best effort, and they do a Beatles' cover, and I am not a Beatles fan.

2) Went up to Haymarket and saw Roman, Irina and their new baby Ayden. Had an awesome time!

3) Got way too drunk for my own good on New Year's Eve. After 12 beers, and too many jello shooters to remember later, I was, as I posted on Facebook that night, "drunker than Jimmy McNulty from that one episode of THE WIRE where he crashed his car twice, wound up at some diner, and then wound up banging the 20-year old waitress that was serving him."

4) Watched the Hokies get dismantled at the hands of the Stanford Cardinal. The ACC BCS Bowl futility continues. Plus, the Hokies' top two running backs have declared for the NFL Draft. Uncertainty about next season is at a high level.

5) Watched the Redskins finish up another losing season. And now, both Mel Kiper and Todd McShay are projecting the Skins will pick Cam Newton with their first pick. The last Auburn quarterback they drafted didn't work out, so I hope they don't pick Newton.

6) Celebrated Brianne's birthday this past weekend, with her family and two of our friends. We went to dinner and then went bowling.

I am sure I left some things out. Looking forward, I am ready for spring to get here ASAP. Now that football season is pretty much over, I am ready for warmer weather. Warmer weather means I can break out the golf clubs and hit the links. And with the gift certificate to my local course I got from my sister, I will be playing some rounds for free! But I am so done with winter. I had to drive home in the snow yesterday and my car damn near slid off the road...THRICE! (Here's looking at you, Conan O"Brien). Brianne and I are hoping to take a trip to Pigeon Forge this spring as well because we haven't taken a vacation in some time. So we have plans for warmer weather!

Orange You Glad the Hokies Didn't Go Undefeated?

From where I'm sitting, it's probably a good thing my beloved Virginia Tech Hokies dashed their own National Title hopes the first week or so of the season. When they lost the opener to Boise State, in heartbreaking fashion, their title hopes were pretty much over. When they followed that loss up with an embarrassing defeat at the hands of FCS foe James Madison five days later, that sealed the deal. I was like "Well, there's always next year!" It could be easy for me to say they shoulda beaten Boise St. or they shouldn't have lost to JMU. But now, at the end of the College Football regular season, I am glad as hell that the Hokies did not go undefeated. I am happy as a clam that they finished the season 11-2, with an 11-game winning streak.

People may wonder "Scott, why would you ever wish for your favorite team in all of sports to lose any games?" Well, it's not like I WANTED them to lose a game or two, especially as the game is going on. What kind of fan would I be if that were the case. But what I am talking about has to do with the Bowl Championship Series (BCS) rankings, you know that computer system that determines who will go to the National Championship game. I look at it this way: If the only thing that was different this season was Virginia Tech would go 13-0, they still would not have gone to the National Title game. This is because Auburn and Oregon both went undefeated. At best, at the end of the season, the Hokies would have been ranked #3 in the BCS rankings if they went undefeated. Auburn and Oregon would still be 1 and 2, respectively. Auburn and Oregon would be going to the big dance together, and Virginia Tech would be left at home, with nothing to show for an unblemished record. That would piss me, and probably every other dieheard Hokie fan, off way more than losing to JMU. We would have been like, well, Auburn, in 2004, when they went 13-0 and still didn't get a chance to go to the National Championship game because of their #3 BCS ranking.

I know myself. If Tech had gone 13-0, I would not be able to live it down for a long time, knowing that they did their part to put themselves in a position to go for their first National Title, but thanks to some computer geeks computer program, they didn't get the chance. Brianne, my wife, would get tired of hearing about it, and would eventually divorce me, and because she is more intelligent than me, she would get the house. I would be homeless, living in my car, with my VT Fanatic mascot stuck to my rear window. I would lose my job because I would realize "Hey, I could just sleep there every night". When they realize I was staying there rent free, they would fire me. I would then turn to heroin use as a way of coping with life's disappointments, and eventually start prostituting myself to much older women. I would get arrested for doing so, and my parents would have to fly out from Colorado to bail me out, and on the flight back to Colorado, I would have to listen to my mom criticize me for my behavior, as well as for other things completely unrelated to my recent endeavors.

Okay, I probably took that a bit too far. But needless to say, I am very happy with what actually did transpire for the Hokies this season. The fact that they started 0-2 and still had the drive and determination to persevere gives me great hope for the future of this team. After the JMU loss, there was a players-only meeting that changed the tone of the entire season. Three months later, the Hokies are 11-2, ACC Champions for the fourth time since 2004, and headed to the Orange Bowl to face a talented Stanford team. No matter what happens in that game, this season has been one of the more exciting campaigns for the Hokies. Though the defense struggled at times, they got better each game, and they have some guys there that will make the defense even better next season. The only concern I have is the quarterback situation for next year. Tyrod Taylor graduates this year, and Logan Thomas will most likely be the starting QB next season. Though he probably won't need to pass much, due to the presence of three outstanding running backs, it will be his first season under center, and it will take him some time to develop in the position.

So, to my fellow Hokie fans/alumni, be happy the season went the way it did. The Hokies are the best two-loss team in the country, and going to the Orange Bowl is a great reward for this remarkable season. It's much better to be 11-2 and going to the Orange Bowl and being happy about it, than to be 13-0 and begrudgingly going to the Orange Bowl, and being pissed off that you are playing at the wrong game. GO HOKIES!!

No, I haven't blogged in forever, and don't call me Shirley!

It figures that it would take the death of someone whom I idolized as a child (and an adult) to get me to post a new blog entry. The death of actor Leslie Nielsen has hit me pretty hard. I find myself thinking about his movies and comedic roles often these past few days. His is a story of two acting lives. First, in the 50's, 60's and 70's, he was almost exclusively a dramatic actor, taking on serious roles, such as in "Forbidden Planet" and "The Poseidon Adventure". However, he had always wanted to do comedy, and in 1980, the Zucker brothers and Jim Abraham gave him the opportunity to do so in "Airplane!", which is one of the funniest movies ever. His role as Dr. Rumack is priceless and he had some LMAO dialogue that still gets laughs to this day. For instance:

Dr. Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?

Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.

Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley!

One-liners like that are just brilliant in their simplicity.

But before I had seen Airplane, I fell in love with The Naked Gun movies. His portrayal of bumbling policeman Frank Drebin remains one of the seminal comedic roles in film to this day. In addition to great one-liners, Nielsen added the element of physical comedy in the Naked Gun series. The best example of this is what I call his "pillow self-smothering". In this, a bad guy would throw a pillow or a towel at Drebin's face and he would act like the pillow had attached itself to his face and is suffocating him. However, it was really just him holding the pillow to his face. He would expel muffled screams into the pillow, adding to the comedic effect. Again, silly, but brilliant in simplicity.

After the Naked Gun movies, he continued to do other movies, such as Spy Hard, the last two installments of Scary Movie, and a Mel Brooks Dracula spoof that, from what I remember, wasn't very good. But he still had great comedic dialogue in some of these movies. For instance, in Spy Hard, he has a scene where he is undercover as a doctor in an ER and has the following exchange with a nurse in regards to a patient:

Nurse: ICU, Doctor?
Nielsen: And I see you! You're doing a fine job!

Needless to say, I am going to miss Leslie Nielsen. He played a great part in the development of my sometimes offbeat and goofy sense of humor. If I was having a bad day, and happened to catch some of his work on TV, I would be instantly cheered up. That still rings true today. Though I am saddened by the death of one of the better comedic actors in recent history, I take comfort in knowing that Heaven just became a funnier place. Rest in Peace, Mr. Nielsen, and watch out for flying pillows!

An Easy Wonderful Life?

I recently purchased "Easy Wonderful" the new album by Guster, one of my favorite indie rock bands. Okay, maybe they aren't as "indie" as they once used to be. You have probably heard a few Guster songs on the radio, either knowingly or unknowingly. The one thing about Guster albums is that I can always count on them to be works of art. Guster masterfully weave chords together very intricately, and have great hooks that grab you, and the harmonizing vocals are great as well! So I have never been disappointed by a Guster album. Until now. Don't get me wrong. "Easy Wonderful" is still a very listenable album. But there is something missing. Their music doesn't grab me nearly as much as in previous efforts. Ryan Miller, the lead vocalist, is the only voice you hear prominently in most of the tracks. Adam Gardner is now mostly a backup vocalist. So it's difficult for me to say I LOVE this album. I just like it. And it does include on of the best songs I think they have ever written, "On the Ocean", the chorus to which goes "On the ocean, I think we're taking on water. A storm is on the way. But I will hold anyways." That song, and a couple others on the album, definitely temper my disappointment with the album a bit. And Guster is the kind of band that will lift your spirits. They are a happy band, for the most part. Definitely a departure from the usual grim outlook on life professed by the many heavy metal bands to whom I listen.

It's important to have positivity in your life, especially living in a world where there is so much negativity. For instance, yesterday I read a story on CBSNEWS.com about a 7-year old girl named Kathleen Edward, who has Huntington's disease, and is being cyberbullied by a 33-year old neighbor. Here is a link to the article:

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20019377-10391704.html?tag=mncol;lst;5

Kathleen, whose mother died from Huntington's disease, has been constantly harrassed by Jennifer Petkov, the neighbor across the street solely because the woman and her husband had an ongoing feud with Kathleen's family:

"Petkov admitted to WJBK News in Detroit that she had posted ghoulish art work of the child on her Facebook page. The picture showed the Kathleen's face - eyes closed and tongue lolling out - with a pair of crossed bones beneath it. More recently, neighbors in Trenton, Mich., told the local news station that Petkov and her husband decorated their pickup to look like a hearse, strapped a homemade coffin on top, and drove it back and forth in front of the home Kathleen shares with her father and step mother. Petkov said it was just a Halloween prank."

I literally felt nauseous when I read this article. It's bad enough that Petkov is cyberbullying a 7-year old, let alone one that has a debilitating disease. And she's a cute kid with a beautiful smile. What on earth would possess someone to do this to a sick child? Okay, I get it. Petkov and Kathleen's mother hated each other. Fine. So be it. Not everyone gets along with everyone. But have a heart. Now that mom has passed away, why project your negative feelings toward her onto an innocent child? Why make her life more painful than it already is. She has no mother now, and she has a life-threatening illness.

And I try to use sports to try to escape the negativity. But even that is impossible these days. ESPN and other sports medium focus on steroid use in baseball, agents giving money to college players, and the latest NFL star to get suspended under the League's Personal Conduct Policy. The latest story involves Brett Favre, who allegedly sent pictures of his private area to Jenn Sterger, a New York Jets staff member, when he played for the Jets in the 2008-09 season. Deadspin.com broke the story, and now the league is investigating. I saw the story on Deadspin's website, which, unbeknownst to me, included the pictures of Favre's Little Brett. If those are truly Favre's private parts, based on what I saw, I now know that the number 4 represents more than just his jersey number, if you catch my meaning. If you don't, his Jersey should now read "4 in." This is a story that needs to go away fast. So the easiest way to resolve the issue is to show the pictures to Favre's wife, Deanna. I would think that most women would be able to identify their spouse's equipment without a problem. So have her look at them. Or have John Madden look at them. Either way. Side note: for those of you who don't get the John Madden thing, Google "John Madden's man crush on Brett Favre".

My point is, no matter where you turn there will be something negative going on. The newscast thrive on the negative. Recently, however, we have gotten a respite from the negative news. Today, the last Chilean miner was rescued from the rubble. All 33 miners are safe and sound. But even in that story, there is scandal. One of the rescued miners, Yonni Barrios, probably wishes he was still in the mine. Waiting for him on the surface were his wife...and his mistress. The two found out about each other when they both showed up to a candlelight vigil on the mine site. So I guess the lesson here is "Don't cheat on your wife, cuz you don't want to risk being in some sort of catastrophic event and have your wife and your lover wind up finding out about each other at a vigil".

But Barrios's story aside, the story of the Chilean miners is the sort of breath of fresh air the world needed. Forget politics, forget the world economy, forget religious differences. The world was united in hope as we followed the rescue efforts for these miners.

So the key in life is to look for the positive things in your life, and cling to those. Brianne and I will celebrate our 5-year anniversary tomorrow. We have been through a lot in those five years, primarily from a financial standpoint. We have felt like things were starting to look up, only to be kicked swiftly in the teeth. And sometimes that roller coaster ride causes occasional friction between Brianne and I. However, I remind myself of how lucky I am to have her in my life, and how empty I would feel if she were not in my world. So Guster is right. A storm is on the way. There's always a storm. That is what life is about. But with the storm comes the hope that the sun will shine again, and all will be okay. Sometimes, it just takes a sappy Guster song to remind me of that!

It's Hard to Let Go.

Up until June, I had a subscription to GOLF Magazine. Being a golf hobbyist, I figured it was probably a good idea to subscribe to it because they have tips on how to improve your game, among other things. So I have a collection of about 24 GOLF Magazines in my nightstand drawer. However, I found that I was not reading these magazines as much as I thought I would. Maybe it was because I was busy with other things. Or maybe it was because I was looking at golf tip videos on YouTube, which were more informative, I thought. Additionally, my neighbor/friend Keith, who played golf for his high school, has sort of been an informal coach for me. Whatever the reason, I just didn't read the magazines that much. So when my subscription ran out, I chose not to renew the subscription, despite the fact that GOLF was sending me more and more enticing offers as the subscription expiration date crept closer and closer. First, the offers were like $30 for two years, and then $20 for two years. Each offer became more and more tantalizing. GOLF, which is put out by Sports Illustrated, even went so far as to offer me an SI subscription for $20, with a free Redskins jacket. However, I resisted ALL of these offers. A month later, I figured that was the end of it.

Fast forward to Wednesday morning last week, when I woke up and went to the living room to find a piece of mail Brianne had left on the back of our living room chair for me. It was an envelope from GOLF Magazine, and in bold letters, the front of the envelope read "WE WANT YOU BACK!" Can you say "desperate"? The offer inside was $9.00 for one year, plus a free package of Callaway Golf Balls. It's at this point that I realized GOLF Magazine is that ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend who just can't let go. You know, the one that you break up with because they are a hot mess (my thanks to my dear friend Alicia for teaching me that phrase). The one that you found you had nothing in common with at all. The one from whom you grew apart and who grew apart from you, but still, they cannot let go.

Why do we have such trouble letting go of past relationships? Trust me, I'm not trying to go all Carrie Bradshaw/Candace Bushnell on you. Come on, I'm the guy with the drunk chicken. But I have talked to friends and clients alike who talk about how they wonder if they were still with so and so, what would their life be like today. My short answer to them would be "Probably just as screwed up as it was back then!" The reason why we have problems letting go of the past is due to our habit of romanticizing that past. When a relationship ends, we force ourselves to put blinders on so we can focus on the great parts of the relationship and forsake the negative things that caused the demise of said relationship in the first place. When we focus on how "wonderful" the relationship was, we use that as ammo to tell ourselves "See, we had a great thing going. Why would she want to end things?" Inevitably we get angry, and this anger turns into depression. Just like with the death of a loved one, we go through Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief:

1) Denial: "She doesn't really want to break up, she is just having a bad day...week...month. We're fine. This will blow over!"

2) Anger: "What the fuck was she thinking? She thinks I have issues? No, she's the one with issues!"

3) Bargaining: "You don't think I am the committing type? What if I asked you to marry me right now. Would that change your mind?"

4) Depression: "What's the point? I'm never going to meet anyone else? My life is over!"

5) Acceptance: "Everything will be okay. I will meet a good woman at some point! No worries."

My point is, when you are in a long-term relationship, you get very comfortable, no matter what may be going on in it, good or bad. When that relationship comes to an end, you have to re-learn how to be you as a single person. Nobody likes change, and the end of a long-term relationship is a major change, and we must grieve as part of that transition period. For instance, I love Brianne more than anyone in this world! She is my rock and a major reason why I have matured greatly as a man over the past 10+ years. I cannot imagine my life without her in it. I am confident she feels the same way about me. Personally, I don't know if I would be able to function half as well without her in my life as I do with her in it. That's what comes from more than a decade of learning what makes each other tick, of growing as individuals and as a couple together. Our relationship is solid, though not perfect. If anyone tells you they have a perfect marriage or other relationship, they are blowing smoke up your ass. There is no such thing! So if, for whatever reason, Brianne was no longer in my life, it would take me a long time to adjust to that change, as it would be for her. But that's not going to happen! I love her way too much and she reciprocates that love. Yeah, I know we're pizzled.

So, it's easy to figure out why, when our relationships end, we become more desperate than an emo kid staring at a boxful of razor blades. We feel a big gaping hole in our heart, and our lives from which we recover only by doing our best to go on with our lives, instead of sitting at home in the dark chain smoking and eating bag after bag of Cheesy Poofs.

So what did I do about Golf Magazine. Though the box of free golf balls was enticing, I did not feed into their co-dependent view of our former relationship. I have moved on, and I hope GOLF will too.

Week 3 NFL Picks: Braylon's Alcoholic Beard Edition

Week 2 Record: 8-8

Skippy: Hide your dogs! The Michael Vick Era has officially begun in Philadelphia. Andy Reid is the most indecisive person I have seen since Rebecca Spurling, my Borderline Personality-Disordered ex-girlfriend from 1995. He went from saying on Monday that Kevin Kolb was still the starter to Tuesday, when he reversed course and made Vick the starter, for the rest of the season! What do you think about that, Cluckers?

Cluckers: Baa-kawwwwk! Wait! You dated a girl who had a personality disorder? What a shocker!

S: Yeah, that was back in the days when I just dated any girl who would give me the time of day. I had such low standards back then, I suppose.

C: Hahhahaha! I’d say! Were any of them Perkins waitresses?

S: Umm, no. My standards weren’t THAT low! Anyways, can we get back to the NFL, please?

C: Whatever, dude. Why do we bother picking these games? It doesn’t even look like anyone actually reads your piddly-ass blog, and correctly picking only 50% of the games isn’t going to help your cause. It’s not like there are any degenerate gamblers basing their wagers on a blog called Staring Off Into Space!

S: If that’s your attitude, Cluckers, then why are you even bothering showing up to help me make picks?

C: Cuz, tonight is my Tequila night, but the ABC store ran out of Two Fingers.

S: So you won’t be drinking tonight? Yay!

C: No, I will be drinking. I just moved up Irish Car Bomb night.
(Cluckers promptly pours himself a half-pint of Guiness, drops in a shot of Bailey’s and chugs. This is repeated 5 times in two minutes.)

S: You are the Champion of all that is related to Alcohol Poisoning.

C: Bottoms up! (Promptly vomits). Hey, I get a mulligan!

S: Can we start picking Week 3 games now?

C: (Another car bomb) Sure, why the fuck not?

Titans at Giants

Skippy: Seems like the Titans go through a QB controversy every season. Jeff Fisher changed QB on Sunday quicker than Lindsey Lohan can fail a drug test. To be fair to Vince Young, though, the Steelers' defense is scary good. They forced 7 turnovers. The Giants have had one great game and one awful game so far. So they are still a mystery, although the game in which they looked horrible was against Peyton Manning. Pick: Giants.

Cluckers: There you go kissing Peyton Manning's ass again! For that, I'm going to pick the opposite team from what you pick! What the hell is with Peyton and Eli doing interviews on ESPN in front of a HUGE DirecTV logo? Pick: Titans

Skippy: If you pick the teams I don't pick, it's gonna be a long Sunday for you!

Cluckers: Hey, the longer the better! That means I can suck more Miller Lite Home Drafts dry!

Skippy: Always looking at the bright side, huh?

Steelers at Buccaneers

Skippy: Pittsburgh's defense has been absolutely stifling. The Bucs are 2-0, but primarily because they have beaten Cleveland and Carolina. Playing the Steelers is a whole different beast. However, Pittsburgh has fourth-string QB Charlie Batch in the lineup due to injuries to Dennis Dixon and Byron Leftwich and Ben Roethlisberger's drunken Libido. Not much offense in this one. Pick: Steelers

Cluckers: I saw an emo kid dressed up in a pirate bear outfit at a Bucs game once. Do you know anything about that, Skippy? Pick: Bucs

Skippy: Umm, err, ahem. Not really.

Cluckers: Why do I feel like you are hiding something from me?

Skippy: Speaking of hiding, why did I find a bottle of Popov Vodka under a loose floorboard in your coop?

Cluckers: Umm, err, ahem. FUCK YOU!

Bengals at Panthers

Skippy: So maybe the Bengals aren't that bad after all. I thought the Ravens would go apeshit on them. The Panthers have decided to initiate the Jimmy Clausen Experiment now. Good luck kid! You're gonna need a lot of it this season. Pick: Bengals

Cluckers: I love me a good cat fight! Pick: Panthers.

Skippy: What a retarded comment-and pick.

Browns at Ravens

Skippy: Joe Flacco played like he was still a rookie, throwing 4 picks against the Bengals. Hmmm, Cleveland's inept offense versus Baltimore's defense. Who do I choose? (bangs head on desk). Pick: Ravens.

Cluckers: Baaaaaaawwwwk! Fighting the urge to be a hypocrite by choosing same team as Skippy. Urge resisted. Pick: Browns.

Skippy: The Browns? You are killing me with this "pick the opposite team as Skippy" philosophy.

Cowboys at Texans

Skippy: I find it hilarious that the Cowboys are 0-2 after all that talk about going to the Super Bowl in their home stadium. Guess they forgot they have to play a few games first. Bum's son apparently has practices that are too relaxed. Meanwhile, the Texans are flying high after their comeback win against my Redskins (sigh). Too bad they can't defend the pass! Manning and McNabb have thrown for 434 and 426 yards respectively against the Texans. They may want to address that issue. Pick: Texans.

Cluckers: You just bashed the Texans defense and then picked them to win? What kind of stunt are you trying to pull? Pick: Cowboys.

Skippy: I'm an enigma.

49ers at Chiefs

Skippy: No 2-0 team is more surprising than the Chiefs. They are playing hard in every aspect of the game. Though I doubt they will make the playoffs this year, they will be competitive in most games. The 49ers have to recover from a heartbreaking home loss to the Saints. They played a hell of a lot better than they did against Seattle, and that means something. But this is a hard game to pick. I will go with the home team here. Pick: Chiefs.

Cluckers: There you go with that "home team" shit again. Why don't you drink a six-pack of Mickey's, grow some stones and pick the more talented team? Pick: 49ers.

Skippy: I think I did. The Chiefs have some young guys who are making an impact. They have won their first two games despite the fact that Matt Cassel looks like a below-average QB.

Lions at Vikings

Skippy: The Lions are heading in the right direction. They now have one of the best defensive lines because of Suh and Vanden Bosch. Jahvid Best is an early Offensive Rookie of the Year candidate. The Vikings Offense still hasn't gotten on track yet due to ongoing lack of chemistry between Brett Favre and the Wide Receivers. But Favre has always had great success against Detroit, and the Vikes don't want to dig themselves into a 0-3 hole. That would seriously hamper their playoff chances. Pick: Vikings.

Cluckers: Wait a minute! The Lions don't want to dig themselves in an 0-3 hole either. What about their playoff chances? Pick: Lions.

Skippy (in Jim Mora's tone of voice): Are you kidding me? Playoffs? Playoffs?? Are you serious? Playoffs???

Bills at Patriots

Skippy: I will make this short again. Patriots will recover from their loss very easily knowing that the Bills are coming to town. Pick: Patriots.

Cluckers: Tom Brady's pretty boy hair will get in his eyes and he will throw five picks. Pick: Bills.

Skippy: That doesn't even make sense Cluckers! In addition to being full of PBR, you are full of shit!

Cluckers: You should know a thing or two about that.

Skippy: I'm going to forget you said that and say it was just one of your drunken ramblings.

Cluckers: Whatever helps you sleep tonight.

Falcons at Saints

Skippy: The Saints offense isn't looking quite as prolific this year as it was last year. But, they still manage to win games, even with the big target on their back. However, losing Reggie Bush's versatility is not going to help. Pierre Thomas will need to step it up a bit. The Falcons looked dominant in their 41-7 waxing of the Cardinals. Of course, a lot of teams will look dominant against the Cards this season. Pick: Saints.

Cluckers: I can't believe Drew Brees still hasn't gotten that thing on his face looked at! I mean, when he was getting his shoulder surgically repaired, why didn't he tell the doctor "Hey, while you're at it, could you lance my face thing off?" Pick: Falcons.

Skippy: Again with the Drew Brees thing? Is that the only comments you are gonna make about the Saints this season?

Cluckers: Probably so.

Skippy: I dare you to say those things to Drew Brees' face.

Cluckers: You mean his face thing?

Skippy (shakes head): Nevermind.

Redskins at Rams

I'm worried about the Washington DeAngelo Halls...I mean Redskins. They had the game against the Texans wrapped up. But the defense that looked so good against Dallas looked horrendous in the last quarter and a half against Houston. The Rams have played two close games against the Cards and Raiders, two fellow bottomfeeders, and lost both. It's gonna be quite some time before the Rams are relevant again. Pick: Redskins.

Cluckers: The future is now! All hail the Rams! Pick: Rams.

(Skippy throws up in his mouth a little bit)

Eagles at Jaguars

Skippy: So now that Andy Reid's lips are firmly attached to Michael Vick's dog-killing ass, it will be interested to see what happens to Kevin Kolb. He's got to feel like the guy whose girlfriend dumps him the night before prom. The Jags got toasted by the Chargers, and are another team the jury is still out on. The whole country will get to see Vick run rough-shod over the Jags, except for people in Jacksonville, where the game will be blacked out because they couldn't sellout the game. What did the Jags' owner expect? You have an NFL team in JACKSONVILLE! Pick: Eagles.

Cluckers: Did you just say "blacked out"? That's what happened to me last week. Seriously, I don't remember making those picks last week. Pick: Jaguars.

Skippy: You remember having sex with a rooster?

Cluckers: No, that didn't happen. You are playing a joke on me!

Skippy: Whatever helps YOU sleep tonight.

Raiders at Cardinals

Skippy: Oh God! This is the matchup from hell. Both teams had a close win and a blowout loss. Both teams' close win was against the Rams. Bruce Gradkowski gets the start for the Raiders and should give them a spark. Pick: Raiders.

Cluckers: Since both teams are bad, I am going with the team with the bird on their helmet. Pick: Cardinals.

Skippy: Woah woah woah! Wait, you criticize me for picking the winner in some games based on who is the home team, and then you pull some shit out of your ass about a bird on the helmet? What's that about?

Cluckers (with a bottle of whiskey in one hand/wing, stumbling and slurring his speech): Hey, buddyyy. You don't jjjjjudge me, you ssssssssissified moron. I got more N N N NFL knowledge in my bbbbbbeak then you do in your entire body.

Skippy: Okay then! You finished?

Cluckers: Nope. (Takes one final swig from the bottle) Now I'm finished! Hehehehehe!

Skippy: Moving on.

Chargers at Seahawks

Skippy: I'll be honest. I don't really give a crap about this game. I don't know why, either. It just doesn't interest me. But if Seattle wins, they may start wishing they were back in the AFC West. Pick: Chargers.

Cluckers: You know who my favorite non-athlete of all time is? Dave Krieg. Pick: Seahawks.

Colts at Broncos

Skippy: I'm hoping that last week's win against the Giants means the Colts are back on track. Bob Sanders being out is a big blow to the defense though. The Broncos don't have much of a running game going. Knowshon Moreno isn't really working out, and they brought in Lawrence Maroney from the Patriots to see if he can give them a boost. Yeah, getting a fourth-string running back from another team will shore up your running attack! Pick: Colts.

Cluckers: What, you have no faith in Josh McDaniels as a coach? Where's the love? Pick: Broncos.

Jets at Dolphins

Skippy: You'll appreciate this, Cluckers. So Braylon Edwards got himself a DUI arrest this week. He was pulled over police because his driving was about as erratic as his ball-catching skills. So he won't be starting the game against Miami. And what's with the beard, Braylon? The whole Kimbo Slice thing doesn't look good on you! The Dophins are 2-0, but not because of their offense. This will be a defensive battle, a low-scoring affair. Right up Miami's alley. Pick: Dolphins.

Cluckers: Still not buying into the dynasty to be that is the Jets, huh? Pick: Jets.

Skippy: No, I'm not. If they can play at a high level every week, I might change my mind.

Packers at Bears

Skippy: So Jay Cutler is looking pretty sharp early in the season. 5 TD passes, only one INT. Not bad. They look like a playoff team. The Bears may be good, but the Packers are still better, in all aspects. But it should be a good game. Pick: Packers.

Cluckers: Da Bears Da Bears da bears da bears da bears. Pick: Bears.

Skippy: You want some cheese fries with that poor imitation of that SNL Skit?

Cluckers: Let's see you do better!

Skippy: Well, I think you are gonna get crushed this week with your picks. I mean, I at least did a little bit of research in making my picks. You just picked the opposite team from me. What's the strategy in that?

Cluckers: Who put the cheese ball up in the window sill?

Skippy: What the...???

Clucker: I said, who put the cheese ball up in the window sill.

Skippy: Oh I see. You are going into an alcohol-induced psychosis. Good luck with that. See you next week!

Skippy and Cluckers NFL week 2 Predictions (and addictions)

Well, Week One of the NFL season is in the books! My Redskins got an exciting win against a penalty-prone Dallas Cowboys squad that kept shooting themselves in the foot every chance they got. I laughed uncontrollably at the last play of the first half. What a bone-headed play by the Cowboys, all around. Yeah, let’s just fumble with 3 seconds to play in the half and give the Skins an easy TD! Hey, we will take a win any way we can get it. It’s going to take some time for Donovan McNabb to adjust to the new offense, so our defense needs to be stout as hell! I can see the Redskins being competitive in most games this year, maybe even making the playoffs. But it is a long season, and a lot can and will happen over the next four months. So I am trying to keep my excitement contained because I know this team’s recent history. They will play a great game one week and lay an egg the next.
Speaking of which, I am going to try to post weekly predictions for the NFL games in the upcoming week. I didn’t get around to doing it for Week One because I was just too busy. But I don’t want to predict these games alone. That’s why I am enlisting the help of someone I met in Rockbridge County. When I worked at Rockbridge CSB, I would always see this guy wobbling across Greenhouse Road, seemingly oblivious to oncoming traffic. I would like to formally introduce you to Cluckers, the Alcoholic Chicken!

Skippy: Hey Cluckers! How are you?
Cluckers: Bawwwk! Pretty damn wasted, dude! I just downed four tallboys in a two-hour period! And now some Crisis Clinician wants to send me to detox in Lynchburg! What the heck? Crisis Clinicians are such douche bags!
S: That’s funny, cuz I just sent a guy to a crisis unit who was drunk and has a history of cutting the heads off chickens in a drunken rage!
C: Bawwwwwk!! What the fuck, man? Why would you try to mess with my head like that? Is that what you do for a living?
S: Yeah, I am a crisis counselor, like the guy who wants to send you to detox!
C: Oh, really? Awkward!
S: I wasn’t offended. I never get offended at things alcoholics say when they are drunk.
C: WTF? I am not an alcoholic, Skippy! I just use alcohol to self-medicate!
S: (rolls his eyes) Ohhh, okay! Wink wink. Cluckers, I have a question for you?
C: Go ahead, TDO king!
S: Are you sure you are a real chicken and not just some emo kid dressed up in a chicken costume?
C: What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I’m a real chicken! You must have a demented mind to come up with that shit?
S: Sorry, it’s just that I have been similarly fooled before.
C: How so?
S: Long story.
C: You crisis clinicians must all be freaks!
S: Pretty much! Notice I didn’t question the fact that I am conversing with a chicken who talks! So, are you ready to predict winners for Week Two?
C: Let me chug this last 40 of OE and smoke a Black and Mild while we do this. Bawwwwwk!
S: Whatever gets you through!

Steelers @ Titans

Skippy: So the Steelers survived Week One without Ben Roethlisberger. If only Big Ben could have kept Little Ben in his pants, Steeler Nation wouldn’t have to sweat it out the next four weeks. Tennessee looked very impressive against the Raiders. Wait, everyone looks impressive against the Raiders. So, not a great measuring stick. The Steelers still have one of the best defenses around. Meanwhile, the Titans have Chris Johnson, who rushed for over 2,000 yards last season and shows no signs of slowing down. This is probably the toughest game for me to pick, but I give the edge to the Titans, who also have a stout defense. Pick: Titans

Cluckers: Bawwwwk! Never root against Troy Polamalu’s $1 Million hair! Pick: Steelers.

Skippy: Cluckers, you don’t seem to be taking this very seriously. I mean, the Steelers could be a good pick, but don’t you want to justify that pick with something better than Troy Polamalu’s mane?

Cluckers: Dude, I am drunk as hell right now. I carry a baseline BAC of .47. Let me do this my way!

Skippy: Fine, whatever.

Dolphins @ Vikings

Skippy: Finding highlights of the Dolphins-Bills game on ESPN this week was like trying to spot Bigfoot. That’s probably because the Dolphins’ victory was a snoozer. Based solely on the score, 15-10, Miami’s offense is probably in trouble. They should have blown out the hapless Bills. As for the Vikings, who lost to the Saints last Thursday night, it is clear that Brett Favre does not trust his receivers yet. With Sidney Rice out, Percy Harvin should be Brett’s go to guy. But Harvin is cutting routes short and is not on the same page with Favre. Adrian Peterson is still one of the best running backs in the game, and he made strides in the offseason to reduce his fumbles. I have to give the edge to the Vikings in this one, if only due to lack of visual evidence about the Dolphins. Pick: Vikings

Cluckers: You know that guy who dresses like a Viking in the endzone at Viking home games? I bet you he has been known to pound down a few pints of Stella Artois before games! Pick: Vikings.

Skippy: (shakes head) It’s gonna be a long season.

Cardinals @ Falcons

Skippy: The Cardinals barely beat the Rams, who, for the last four years, have had one of the top two picks in the NFL draft, they have been so bad. Without Kurt Warner at QB, the Cardinals will return to their losing ways. They will be lucky to win 6 or 7 games this year. Meanwhile, the Falcons couldn’t get their running game going against the Steelers, but to be fair, the Steelers have a great run defense. Matt Ryan also seems to be regressing a bit. But I still think the Falcons are the better team here. Pick: Falcons.

Cluckers: The last time I witnessed two sets of birds duke it out was in a rundown warehouse in Southern Mexico. Pick: Cardinals.

Skippy: When were you in Mexico?

Cluckers: Long story.

Ravens @ Bengals

Skippy: Prediction: the Bengals will not go 6-0 in their division, like last year. Why? When was the last time Cincy put two back to back winning seasons together? Probably the days of Boomer Esiason. The Bengal defense was absolutely porous in their loss to the Patriots. The Ravens are serious Super Bowl contenders with that defense, and now Joe Flacco has some receivers to throw to. Factor in Ray Rice, who is going to be a superstar running back, and they have the formula for success this year. The Bengals are not the team they were last year, and T.O. just adds more distraction to the already circuslike atmosphere that comes with Chad Ochocinco. Pick: Ravens

Cluckers: Owens and Ochocinco will leave for the locker room with five minutes left in the first half so they can be “looked at”. Pick: Ravens.

Skippy: I have to admit, that was actually pretty funny, Cluckers!

Cluckers: Ba-kaawwwwk! Thanks, jerk off!

Skippy: WTF?

Chiefs @ Browns

Skippy: It’s good to know that I was right when I said Jake Delhomme will be just as bad in Cleveland as he was in Carolina. His two INTs against the Bucs proves that he is a has been, and probably is actually a never was! The Chiefs showed some promise in their win over the Chargers, with young talent on both sides of the ball. I could see them winning 7 or 8 games this year. Pick: Chiefs.

Cluckers: I have now switched to tequila. Of course, I ate the worm. Pick: Chiefs.

Skippy: Man, you should work for ESPN!

Bears @ Cowboys

Skippy: The Bears should have lost to the Lions if not for the controversial call that rendered Calvin Williams touchdown an incomplete pass. That was a TD in my eyes and the Lions should have had that game. The Cowboys did everything they had to do to lose to my Redskins. 12 penalties for 91 yards, including a holding penalty on Alex Barron ensured the Redskins victory. Still, the Dallas defense kept the Skins’ offense in check most of the night. The Cowboys probably won’t have nearly as many penalties this week as they did on Sunday. Pick: Cowboys

Cluckers: I was waiting for Albert Haynesworth to stomp on Andre Gurode’s head again. Didn’t happen. Pick: Cowboys

Skippy: That’s because Haynesworth didn’t play much because he is pretty much a $100 million backup.

Eagles @ Lions

Skippy: Well, the Kevin Kolb era came to an abrupt halt now didn’t it? After leaving the game with a concussion, Michael Vick took over and almost led the Eagles to victory. No matter what your personal feelings toward Vick are, he still brings something to the football field that most teams find hard to defend. He looked like a better passer than I remember him being. Maybe he has matured, at least on the field. Off the field, who knows. Someone got shot at his 30th birthday. The Lions have to recover from a tough loss to the Bears, and their defense seems improved. The addition of Suh (not gonna try to spell his first name) and Vanden Bosch seems to have helped that side of the ball. And the Lions will be hungry for a win after having one snatched away from them last week. But it won’t be enough. Pick: Eagles.

Cluckers: So does this mean Vick will get his starting job back and then start another dogfighting enterprise?

Skippy: No, this time it will be cockfighting.

Cluckers: Low blow, dude! I need another 40 after that comment.

Skippy: You were gonna get another 40 either way, you beer bibber!

Cluckers: True dat, homey!

Bills @ Packers

Skippy: This will be short. The Bills suck, the Packers don’t. Pick: Packers

Cluckers: Have the Bills been moved to Toronto yet? Pick: Packers

Buccaneers @ Panthers

Skippy: This one is a toss up. Though they lost to the Giants, the Panthers intercepted Eli Manning three times. But their defense isn’t what it used to be. Josh Freeman showed some promise for the Bucs, but of course, that was against the Browns. I’ll go with the home team here. Pick: Panthers.

Cluckers: That’s typical. Use the old “Root for the home team” approach. Grow a pair, Skippy! Pick: Bucs.

Skippy: Hey, it’s only the second game of the season. It takes a few weeks to get an idea of how good or bad a team is going to be. Cut me some slack. On the other hand, it only took me a few seconds to figure out that you are the coop drunk!

Cluckers: Hey, I represent that remark!

Seahawks @ Broncos

Skippy: My question about the Seahawks from Sunday is “Are they that good, or are the 49ers that bad?” The answer is probably somewhere in the middle. The NFC West is full of mediocre or worse teams this year, so anything can happen. The Broncos lost to Jacksonville, who is the fourth best team in the AFC South. So for me, choosing the winner here is a crapshoot. So I think I’ll go with the better QB. Pick: Seahawks.

Cluckers: Tim Tebow is the man! He is going to lead the Broncos to glory! Pick: Broncos.

Skippy: Cluckers, did you happen to snort any of Dippy’s cocaine?

Cluckers: Who the fuck is Dippy?

Skippy: I will tell you later. Do you listen to Avenged Sevenfold, by chance?

Cluckers: Yeah man!

Skippy: That explains a lot, actually.

Rams @ Raiders

Skippy: I just now realized that the weakest division in the NFC (West) is playing the weakest division in the AFC (also the West!). Raider nation will be in full force, and the coliseum will look like some acid-infused biker rally, as usual. I liked Jason Campbell when he was a Redskin, and feel like he never had the chance to excel because he had a new offensive coordinator every year. He brings stability to the Raiders’ QB position, replacing Jamarcus Russell (aka, Stay-Puft). The Rams are rebuilding with rookie QB Sam Bradford, a process that will take some years, because the Rams need to seriously upgrade their offensive line. Pick: Raiders.

Cluckers: You wanna see alcoholics. Raiders fans are some hardcore alcoholics! I got nothing on them. My problems aren’t nearly as bad as theirs. I mean, they continue to go to games for a team that hasn’t been in the same ballpark as relevant for years. Pick: Raiders.

Skippy: Wait, you just bashed the Raiders, but are picking them to win? That’s messed up.

Cluckers: They’re playing the Rams, Skippy.

Skippy: Good point.

Texans @ Redskins

Skippy: So the Texans FINALLY beat the Colts. Arian Foster, who I never heard of until Sunday, ran for 231 yards against a suspect Colts run defense. BUT, they still gave up 434 passing yards, so their defense is still not great. The Skins defense, on the other hand, is shaping up to be one of the best in the league, even without the cancer that is Albert Haynesworth on the field every play. The Skins offense is still a work in progress though. So here we have a great Texans offense versus a great Skins defense. Pick: Redskins.

Cluckers: I’m going with the Texans solely because I knew you were going to pick your favorite team in this one. Pick: Texans.

Skippy: You and Rob Dibble are too much alike. You are both drunks, and you both don’t know when to shut up. I can axe you like the Nats did to Dibble if you like.

Cluckers: Never say the word “axe” to a chicken!

Skippy: Axe, axe, axe!

Patriots @ Jets

Skippy: I really haven’t bought into all the hype surrounding the Jets in the offseason. They were a trendy Super Bowl pick, and I don’t know why. Sure they have a great defense, and their running game was number one in the league last year. But the NFL has become a more pass-happy entity, and in that realm the Jets are lacking. Second-year QB Mark Sanchez has a lot of improving to do before the Jets become a legit Super Bowl contender. The Patriots, on the other hand, have plenty of experience on their roster, starting with Tom Brady. In addition, Rex Ryan has talked a lot of smack about the Patriots in the offseason, and the Patriots have long memories. Pick: Patriots.

Cluckers: I’ve been drinking the Jets’ Kool-Aid all summer. Sure, I’ve been adding vodka and rum to it, but I’ve been drinking it! Pick: Jets.

Skippy: Leave it to a drunk chicken to let others dictate what he believes!

Cluckers: Palin in 2012!

Skippy: Back to Detox!

Jaguars @ Chargers

Skippy:The Chargers have begun their annual tradition of starting the season slow. They never do very well in September for whatever reason. This year they are at even more of a disadvantage because the only receiving threat they have is Antonio Gates. They can only hope that rookie RB Ryan Matthews is the next great Chargers tailback. But I think they have enough firepower to get past the Jags this week. Pick: Chargers

Cluckers: I picked David Garrard for my fantasy team. Pick: Jaguars

Skippy: This keeps getting better and better.

Giants @ Colts

Manning Bowl II! The Colts just lost to the Texans, and I know they don’t want to start the season 0-2. Eli threw 3 INTs against the Panthers. Though I don’t think that’s a sign of things to come, the Giants need to run the ball consistently this week to keep Peyton off the field. That means getting the overrated Ahmad Bradshaw and the disgruntled Brandon Jacobs to share the ball. Hopefully the Colts’ run defense got a wake-up call after the loss to the Texans. Pick: Colts.

Cluckers (speech slurred almost beyond comprehension): You been ssssslurping Peyton Manning’sss asssss for years. Of course you picked the Colts, you sssssspineless imp! Pick: Giants.

Skippy: Seriously, Cluckers. Rob Dibble, man, Rob Dibble.

Saints @ 49ers

Despite the fact that they are the defending Super Bowl Champions, the Saints have a relatively easy schedule. They already passed one of the harder tests they will face by beating the Vikings, in a surprisingly defense-laden battle. I expect Drew Brees and the rest of the Saints offense will be firing on all cylinders this week. Don’t know what to say about the Niners. Was their loss to Seattle an aberration or a sign of a long season to come? Pick: Saints.

Cluckers: Sssssseriously, what is that thing on Drew Brees’ face? Pick: Saints.

Skippy: That was rude, Cluckers!

Cluckers: You think I worrrrrry about being polite?

Skippy: Probably not. Well, I think we need to work on our chemistry a bit,
Cluckers. Speaking of which, I think your brain chemistry is out of whack. You should really get psychiatrically evaluated.

Cluckers: You need to be pssssychiatrically valuated!

Skippy: Great comeback. See you next week.

Cluckers: Seriously, Brees should get that thing checked out. It could be cancerous or ssssomething. Ba-Kawwwk! Hiccup!

Skippy: Dear God, what did I get myself into?