Orange You Glad the Hokies Didn't Go Undefeated?

From where I'm sitting, it's probably a good thing my beloved Virginia Tech Hokies dashed their own National Title hopes the first week or so of the season. When they lost the opener to Boise State, in heartbreaking fashion, their title hopes were pretty much over. When they followed that loss up with an embarrassing defeat at the hands of FCS foe James Madison five days later, that sealed the deal. I was like "Well, there's always next year!" It could be easy for me to say they shoulda beaten Boise St. or they shouldn't have lost to JMU. But now, at the end of the College Football regular season, I am glad as hell that the Hokies did not go undefeated. I am happy as a clam that they finished the season 11-2, with an 11-game winning streak.

People may wonder "Scott, why would you ever wish for your favorite team in all of sports to lose any games?" Well, it's not like I WANTED them to lose a game or two, especially as the game is going on. What kind of fan would I be if that were the case. But what I am talking about has to do with the Bowl Championship Series (BCS) rankings, you know that computer system that determines who will go to the National Championship game. I look at it this way: If the only thing that was different this season was Virginia Tech would go 13-0, they still would not have gone to the National Title game. This is because Auburn and Oregon both went undefeated. At best, at the end of the season, the Hokies would have been ranked #3 in the BCS rankings if they went undefeated. Auburn and Oregon would still be 1 and 2, respectively. Auburn and Oregon would be going to the big dance together, and Virginia Tech would be left at home, with nothing to show for an unblemished record. That would piss me, and probably every other dieheard Hokie fan, off way more than losing to JMU. We would have been like, well, Auburn, in 2004, when they went 13-0 and still didn't get a chance to go to the National Championship game because of their #3 BCS ranking.

I know myself. If Tech had gone 13-0, I would not be able to live it down for a long time, knowing that they did their part to put themselves in a position to go for their first National Title, but thanks to some computer geeks computer program, they didn't get the chance. Brianne, my wife, would get tired of hearing about it, and would eventually divorce me, and because she is more intelligent than me, she would get the house. I would be homeless, living in my car, with my VT Fanatic mascot stuck to my rear window. I would lose my job because I would realize "Hey, I could just sleep there every night". When they realize I was staying there rent free, they would fire me. I would then turn to heroin use as a way of coping with life's disappointments, and eventually start prostituting myself to much older women. I would get arrested for doing so, and my parents would have to fly out from Colorado to bail me out, and on the flight back to Colorado, I would have to listen to my mom criticize me for my behavior, as well as for other things completely unrelated to my recent endeavors.

Okay, I probably took that a bit too far. But needless to say, I am very happy with what actually did transpire for the Hokies this season. The fact that they started 0-2 and still had the drive and determination to persevere gives me great hope for the future of this team. After the JMU loss, there was a players-only meeting that changed the tone of the entire season. Three months later, the Hokies are 11-2, ACC Champions for the fourth time since 2004, and headed to the Orange Bowl to face a talented Stanford team. No matter what happens in that game, this season has been one of the more exciting campaigns for the Hokies. Though the defense struggled at times, they got better each game, and they have some guys there that will make the defense even better next season. The only concern I have is the quarterback situation for next year. Tyrod Taylor graduates this year, and Logan Thomas will most likely be the starting QB next season. Though he probably won't need to pass much, due to the presence of three outstanding running backs, it will be his first season under center, and it will take him some time to develop in the position.

So, to my fellow Hokie fans/alumni, be happy the season went the way it did. The Hokies are the best two-loss team in the country, and going to the Orange Bowl is a great reward for this remarkable season. It's much better to be 11-2 and going to the Orange Bowl and being happy about it, than to be 13-0 and begrudgingly going to the Orange Bowl, and being pissed off that you are playing at the wrong game. GO HOKIES!!

No, I haven't blogged in forever, and don't call me Shirley!

It figures that it would take the death of someone whom I idolized as a child (and an adult) to get me to post a new blog entry. The death of actor Leslie Nielsen has hit me pretty hard. I find myself thinking about his movies and comedic roles often these past few days. His is a story of two acting lives. First, in the 50's, 60's and 70's, he was almost exclusively a dramatic actor, taking on serious roles, such as in "Forbidden Planet" and "The Poseidon Adventure". However, he had always wanted to do comedy, and in 1980, the Zucker brothers and Jim Abraham gave him the opportunity to do so in "Airplane!", which is one of the funniest movies ever. His role as Dr. Rumack is priceless and he had some LMAO dialogue that still gets laughs to this day. For instance:

Dr. Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?

Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.

Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley!

One-liners like that are just brilliant in their simplicity.

But before I had seen Airplane, I fell in love with The Naked Gun movies. His portrayal of bumbling policeman Frank Drebin remains one of the seminal comedic roles in film to this day. In addition to great one-liners, Nielsen added the element of physical comedy in the Naked Gun series. The best example of this is what I call his "pillow self-smothering". In this, a bad guy would throw a pillow or a towel at Drebin's face and he would act like the pillow had attached itself to his face and is suffocating him. However, it was really just him holding the pillow to his face. He would expel muffled screams into the pillow, adding to the comedic effect. Again, silly, but brilliant in simplicity.

After the Naked Gun movies, he continued to do other movies, such as Spy Hard, the last two installments of Scary Movie, and a Mel Brooks Dracula spoof that, from what I remember, wasn't very good. But he still had great comedic dialogue in some of these movies. For instance, in Spy Hard, he has a scene where he is undercover as a doctor in an ER and has the following exchange with a nurse in regards to a patient:

Nurse: ICU, Doctor?
Nielsen: And I see you! You're doing a fine job!

Needless to say, I am going to miss Leslie Nielsen. He played a great part in the development of my sometimes offbeat and goofy sense of humor. If I was having a bad day, and happened to catch some of his work on TV, I would be instantly cheered up. That still rings true today. Though I am saddened by the death of one of the better comedic actors in recent history, I take comfort in knowing that Heaven just became a funnier place. Rest in Peace, Mr. Nielsen, and watch out for flying pillows!

An Easy Wonderful Life?

I recently purchased "Easy Wonderful" the new album by Guster, one of my favorite indie rock bands. Okay, maybe they aren't as "indie" as they once used to be. You have probably heard a few Guster songs on the radio, either knowingly or unknowingly. The one thing about Guster albums is that I can always count on them to be works of art. Guster masterfully weave chords together very intricately, and have great hooks that grab you, and the harmonizing vocals are great as well! So I have never been disappointed by a Guster album. Until now. Don't get me wrong. "Easy Wonderful" is still a very listenable album. But there is something missing. Their music doesn't grab me nearly as much as in previous efforts. Ryan Miller, the lead vocalist, is the only voice you hear prominently in most of the tracks. Adam Gardner is now mostly a backup vocalist. So it's difficult for me to say I LOVE this album. I just like it. And it does include on of the best songs I think they have ever written, "On the Ocean", the chorus to which goes "On the ocean, I think we're taking on water. A storm is on the way. But I will hold anyways." That song, and a couple others on the album, definitely temper my disappointment with the album a bit. And Guster is the kind of band that will lift your spirits. They are a happy band, for the most part. Definitely a departure from the usual grim outlook on life professed by the many heavy metal bands to whom I listen.

It's important to have positivity in your life, especially living in a world where there is so much negativity. For instance, yesterday I read a story on CBSNEWS.com about a 7-year old girl named Kathleen Edward, who has Huntington's disease, and is being cyberbullied by a 33-year old neighbor. Here is a link to the article:

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20019377-10391704.html?tag=mncol;lst;5

Kathleen, whose mother died from Huntington's disease, has been constantly harrassed by Jennifer Petkov, the neighbor across the street solely because the woman and her husband had an ongoing feud with Kathleen's family:

"Petkov admitted to WJBK News in Detroit that she had posted ghoulish art work of the child on her Facebook page. The picture showed the Kathleen's face - eyes closed and tongue lolling out - with a pair of crossed bones beneath it. More recently, neighbors in Trenton, Mich., told the local news station that Petkov and her husband decorated their pickup to look like a hearse, strapped a homemade coffin on top, and drove it back and forth in front of the home Kathleen shares with her father and step mother. Petkov said it was just a Halloween prank."

I literally felt nauseous when I read this article. It's bad enough that Petkov is cyberbullying a 7-year old, let alone one that has a debilitating disease. And she's a cute kid with a beautiful smile. What on earth would possess someone to do this to a sick child? Okay, I get it. Petkov and Kathleen's mother hated each other. Fine. So be it. Not everyone gets along with everyone. But have a heart. Now that mom has passed away, why project your negative feelings toward her onto an innocent child? Why make her life more painful than it already is. She has no mother now, and she has a life-threatening illness.

And I try to use sports to try to escape the negativity. But even that is impossible these days. ESPN and other sports medium focus on steroid use in baseball, agents giving money to college players, and the latest NFL star to get suspended under the League's Personal Conduct Policy. The latest story involves Brett Favre, who allegedly sent pictures of his private area to Jenn Sterger, a New York Jets staff member, when he played for the Jets in the 2008-09 season. Deadspin.com broke the story, and now the league is investigating. I saw the story on Deadspin's website, which, unbeknownst to me, included the pictures of Favre's Little Brett. If those are truly Favre's private parts, based on what I saw, I now know that the number 4 represents more than just his jersey number, if you catch my meaning. If you don't, his Jersey should now read "4 in." This is a story that needs to go away fast. So the easiest way to resolve the issue is to show the pictures to Favre's wife, Deanna. I would think that most women would be able to identify their spouse's equipment without a problem. So have her look at them. Or have John Madden look at them. Either way. Side note: for those of you who don't get the John Madden thing, Google "John Madden's man crush on Brett Favre".

My point is, no matter where you turn there will be something negative going on. The newscast thrive on the negative. Recently, however, we have gotten a respite from the negative news. Today, the last Chilean miner was rescued from the rubble. All 33 miners are safe and sound. But even in that story, there is scandal. One of the rescued miners, Yonni Barrios, probably wishes he was still in the mine. Waiting for him on the surface were his wife...and his mistress. The two found out about each other when they both showed up to a candlelight vigil on the mine site. So I guess the lesson here is "Don't cheat on your wife, cuz you don't want to risk being in some sort of catastrophic event and have your wife and your lover wind up finding out about each other at a vigil".

But Barrios's story aside, the story of the Chilean miners is the sort of breath of fresh air the world needed. Forget politics, forget the world economy, forget religious differences. The world was united in hope as we followed the rescue efforts for these miners.

So the key in life is to look for the positive things in your life, and cling to those. Brianne and I will celebrate our 5-year anniversary tomorrow. We have been through a lot in those five years, primarily from a financial standpoint. We have felt like things were starting to look up, only to be kicked swiftly in the teeth. And sometimes that roller coaster ride causes occasional friction between Brianne and I. However, I remind myself of how lucky I am to have her in my life, and how empty I would feel if she were not in my world. So Guster is right. A storm is on the way. There's always a storm. That is what life is about. But with the storm comes the hope that the sun will shine again, and all will be okay. Sometimes, it just takes a sappy Guster song to remind me of that!

It's Hard to Let Go.

Up until June, I had a subscription to GOLF Magazine. Being a golf hobbyist, I figured it was probably a good idea to subscribe to it because they have tips on how to improve your game, among other things. So I have a collection of about 24 GOLF Magazines in my nightstand drawer. However, I found that I was not reading these magazines as much as I thought I would. Maybe it was because I was busy with other things. Or maybe it was because I was looking at golf tip videos on YouTube, which were more informative, I thought. Additionally, my neighbor/friend Keith, who played golf for his high school, has sort of been an informal coach for me. Whatever the reason, I just didn't read the magazines that much. So when my subscription ran out, I chose not to renew the subscription, despite the fact that GOLF was sending me more and more enticing offers as the subscription expiration date crept closer and closer. First, the offers were like $30 for two years, and then $20 for two years. Each offer became more and more tantalizing. GOLF, which is put out by Sports Illustrated, even went so far as to offer me an SI subscription for $20, with a free Redskins jacket. However, I resisted ALL of these offers. A month later, I figured that was the end of it.

Fast forward to Wednesday morning last week, when I woke up and went to the living room to find a piece of mail Brianne had left on the back of our living room chair for me. It was an envelope from GOLF Magazine, and in bold letters, the front of the envelope read "WE WANT YOU BACK!" Can you say "desperate"? The offer inside was $9.00 for one year, plus a free package of Callaway Golf Balls. It's at this point that I realized GOLF Magazine is that ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend who just can't let go. You know, the one that you break up with because they are a hot mess (my thanks to my dear friend Alicia for teaching me that phrase). The one that you found you had nothing in common with at all. The one from whom you grew apart and who grew apart from you, but still, they cannot let go.

Why do we have such trouble letting go of past relationships? Trust me, I'm not trying to go all Carrie Bradshaw/Candace Bushnell on you. Come on, I'm the guy with the drunk chicken. But I have talked to friends and clients alike who talk about how they wonder if they were still with so and so, what would their life be like today. My short answer to them would be "Probably just as screwed up as it was back then!" The reason why we have problems letting go of the past is due to our habit of romanticizing that past. When a relationship ends, we force ourselves to put blinders on so we can focus on the great parts of the relationship and forsake the negative things that caused the demise of said relationship in the first place. When we focus on how "wonderful" the relationship was, we use that as ammo to tell ourselves "See, we had a great thing going. Why would she want to end things?" Inevitably we get angry, and this anger turns into depression. Just like with the death of a loved one, we go through Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief:

1) Denial: "She doesn't really want to break up, she is just having a bad day...week...month. We're fine. This will blow over!"

2) Anger: "What the fuck was she thinking? She thinks I have issues? No, she's the one with issues!"

3) Bargaining: "You don't think I am the committing type? What if I asked you to marry me right now. Would that change your mind?"

4) Depression: "What's the point? I'm never going to meet anyone else? My life is over!"

5) Acceptance: "Everything will be okay. I will meet a good woman at some point! No worries."

My point is, when you are in a long-term relationship, you get very comfortable, no matter what may be going on in it, good or bad. When that relationship comes to an end, you have to re-learn how to be you as a single person. Nobody likes change, and the end of a long-term relationship is a major change, and we must grieve as part of that transition period. For instance, I love Brianne more than anyone in this world! She is my rock and a major reason why I have matured greatly as a man over the past 10+ years. I cannot imagine my life without her in it. I am confident she feels the same way about me. Personally, I don't know if I would be able to function half as well without her in my life as I do with her in it. That's what comes from more than a decade of learning what makes each other tick, of growing as individuals and as a couple together. Our relationship is solid, though not perfect. If anyone tells you they have a perfect marriage or other relationship, they are blowing smoke up your ass. There is no such thing! So if, for whatever reason, Brianne was no longer in my life, it would take me a long time to adjust to that change, as it would be for her. But that's not going to happen! I love her way too much and she reciprocates that love. Yeah, I know we're pizzled.

So, it's easy to figure out why, when our relationships end, we become more desperate than an emo kid staring at a boxful of razor blades. We feel a big gaping hole in our heart, and our lives from which we recover only by doing our best to go on with our lives, instead of sitting at home in the dark chain smoking and eating bag after bag of Cheesy Poofs.

So what did I do about Golf Magazine. Though the box of free golf balls was enticing, I did not feed into their co-dependent view of our former relationship. I have moved on, and I hope GOLF will too.

Week 3 NFL Picks: Braylon's Alcoholic Beard Edition

Week 2 Record: 8-8

Skippy: Hide your dogs! The Michael Vick Era has officially begun in Philadelphia. Andy Reid is the most indecisive person I have seen since Rebecca Spurling, my Borderline Personality-Disordered ex-girlfriend from 1995. He went from saying on Monday that Kevin Kolb was still the starter to Tuesday, when he reversed course and made Vick the starter, for the rest of the season! What do you think about that, Cluckers?

Cluckers: Baa-kawwwwk! Wait! You dated a girl who had a personality disorder? What a shocker!

S: Yeah, that was back in the days when I just dated any girl who would give me the time of day. I had such low standards back then, I suppose.

C: Hahhahaha! I’d say! Were any of them Perkins waitresses?

S: Umm, no. My standards weren’t THAT low! Anyways, can we get back to the NFL, please?

C: Whatever, dude. Why do we bother picking these games? It doesn’t even look like anyone actually reads your piddly-ass blog, and correctly picking only 50% of the games isn’t going to help your cause. It’s not like there are any degenerate gamblers basing their wagers on a blog called Staring Off Into Space!

S: If that’s your attitude, Cluckers, then why are you even bothering showing up to help me make picks?

C: Cuz, tonight is my Tequila night, but the ABC store ran out of Two Fingers.

S: So you won’t be drinking tonight? Yay!

C: No, I will be drinking. I just moved up Irish Car Bomb night.
(Cluckers promptly pours himself a half-pint of Guiness, drops in a shot of Bailey’s and chugs. This is repeated 5 times in two minutes.)

S: You are the Champion of all that is related to Alcohol Poisoning.

C: Bottoms up! (Promptly vomits). Hey, I get a mulligan!

S: Can we start picking Week 3 games now?

C: (Another car bomb) Sure, why the fuck not?

Titans at Giants

Skippy: Seems like the Titans go through a QB controversy every season. Jeff Fisher changed QB on Sunday quicker than Lindsey Lohan can fail a drug test. To be fair to Vince Young, though, the Steelers' defense is scary good. They forced 7 turnovers. The Giants have had one great game and one awful game so far. So they are still a mystery, although the game in which they looked horrible was against Peyton Manning. Pick: Giants.

Cluckers: There you go kissing Peyton Manning's ass again! For that, I'm going to pick the opposite team from what you pick! What the hell is with Peyton and Eli doing interviews on ESPN in front of a HUGE DirecTV logo? Pick: Titans

Skippy: If you pick the teams I don't pick, it's gonna be a long Sunday for you!

Cluckers: Hey, the longer the better! That means I can suck more Miller Lite Home Drafts dry!

Skippy: Always looking at the bright side, huh?

Steelers at Buccaneers

Skippy: Pittsburgh's defense has been absolutely stifling. The Bucs are 2-0, but primarily because they have beaten Cleveland and Carolina. Playing the Steelers is a whole different beast. However, Pittsburgh has fourth-string QB Charlie Batch in the lineup due to injuries to Dennis Dixon and Byron Leftwich and Ben Roethlisberger's drunken Libido. Not much offense in this one. Pick: Steelers

Cluckers: I saw an emo kid dressed up in a pirate bear outfit at a Bucs game once. Do you know anything about that, Skippy? Pick: Bucs

Skippy: Umm, err, ahem. Not really.

Cluckers: Why do I feel like you are hiding something from me?

Skippy: Speaking of hiding, why did I find a bottle of Popov Vodka under a loose floorboard in your coop?

Cluckers: Umm, err, ahem. FUCK YOU!

Bengals at Panthers

Skippy: So maybe the Bengals aren't that bad after all. I thought the Ravens would go apeshit on them. The Panthers have decided to initiate the Jimmy Clausen Experiment now. Good luck kid! You're gonna need a lot of it this season. Pick: Bengals

Cluckers: I love me a good cat fight! Pick: Panthers.

Skippy: What a retarded comment-and pick.

Browns at Ravens

Skippy: Joe Flacco played like he was still a rookie, throwing 4 picks against the Bengals. Hmmm, Cleveland's inept offense versus Baltimore's defense. Who do I choose? (bangs head on desk). Pick: Ravens.

Cluckers: Baaaaaaawwwwk! Fighting the urge to be a hypocrite by choosing same team as Skippy. Urge resisted. Pick: Browns.

Skippy: The Browns? You are killing me with this "pick the opposite team as Skippy" philosophy.

Cowboys at Texans

Skippy: I find it hilarious that the Cowboys are 0-2 after all that talk about going to the Super Bowl in their home stadium. Guess they forgot they have to play a few games first. Bum's son apparently has practices that are too relaxed. Meanwhile, the Texans are flying high after their comeback win against my Redskins (sigh). Too bad they can't defend the pass! Manning and McNabb have thrown for 434 and 426 yards respectively against the Texans. They may want to address that issue. Pick: Texans.

Cluckers: You just bashed the Texans defense and then picked them to win? What kind of stunt are you trying to pull? Pick: Cowboys.

Skippy: I'm an enigma.

49ers at Chiefs

Skippy: No 2-0 team is more surprising than the Chiefs. They are playing hard in every aspect of the game. Though I doubt they will make the playoffs this year, they will be competitive in most games. The 49ers have to recover from a heartbreaking home loss to the Saints. They played a hell of a lot better than they did against Seattle, and that means something. But this is a hard game to pick. I will go with the home team here. Pick: Chiefs.

Cluckers: There you go with that "home team" shit again. Why don't you drink a six-pack of Mickey's, grow some stones and pick the more talented team? Pick: 49ers.

Skippy: I think I did. The Chiefs have some young guys who are making an impact. They have won their first two games despite the fact that Matt Cassel looks like a below-average QB.

Lions at Vikings

Skippy: The Lions are heading in the right direction. They now have one of the best defensive lines because of Suh and Vanden Bosch. Jahvid Best is an early Offensive Rookie of the Year candidate. The Vikings Offense still hasn't gotten on track yet due to ongoing lack of chemistry between Brett Favre and the Wide Receivers. But Favre has always had great success against Detroit, and the Vikes don't want to dig themselves into a 0-3 hole. That would seriously hamper their playoff chances. Pick: Vikings.

Cluckers: Wait a minute! The Lions don't want to dig themselves in an 0-3 hole either. What about their playoff chances? Pick: Lions.

Skippy (in Jim Mora's tone of voice): Are you kidding me? Playoffs? Playoffs?? Are you serious? Playoffs???

Bills at Patriots

Skippy: I will make this short again. Patriots will recover from their loss very easily knowing that the Bills are coming to town. Pick: Patriots.

Cluckers: Tom Brady's pretty boy hair will get in his eyes and he will throw five picks. Pick: Bills.

Skippy: That doesn't even make sense Cluckers! In addition to being full of PBR, you are full of shit!

Cluckers: You should know a thing or two about that.

Skippy: I'm going to forget you said that and say it was just one of your drunken ramblings.

Cluckers: Whatever helps you sleep tonight.

Falcons at Saints

Skippy: The Saints offense isn't looking quite as prolific this year as it was last year. But, they still manage to win games, even with the big target on their back. However, losing Reggie Bush's versatility is not going to help. Pierre Thomas will need to step it up a bit. The Falcons looked dominant in their 41-7 waxing of the Cardinals. Of course, a lot of teams will look dominant against the Cards this season. Pick: Saints.

Cluckers: I can't believe Drew Brees still hasn't gotten that thing on his face looked at! I mean, when he was getting his shoulder surgically repaired, why didn't he tell the doctor "Hey, while you're at it, could you lance my face thing off?" Pick: Falcons.

Skippy: Again with the Drew Brees thing? Is that the only comments you are gonna make about the Saints this season?

Cluckers: Probably so.

Skippy: I dare you to say those things to Drew Brees' face.

Cluckers: You mean his face thing?

Skippy (shakes head): Nevermind.

Redskins at Rams

I'm worried about the Washington DeAngelo Halls...I mean Redskins. They had the game against the Texans wrapped up. But the defense that looked so good against Dallas looked horrendous in the last quarter and a half against Houston. The Rams have played two close games against the Cards and Raiders, two fellow bottomfeeders, and lost both. It's gonna be quite some time before the Rams are relevant again. Pick: Redskins.

Cluckers: The future is now! All hail the Rams! Pick: Rams.

(Skippy throws up in his mouth a little bit)

Eagles at Jaguars

Skippy: So now that Andy Reid's lips are firmly attached to Michael Vick's dog-killing ass, it will be interested to see what happens to Kevin Kolb. He's got to feel like the guy whose girlfriend dumps him the night before prom. The Jags got toasted by the Chargers, and are another team the jury is still out on. The whole country will get to see Vick run rough-shod over the Jags, except for people in Jacksonville, where the game will be blacked out because they couldn't sellout the game. What did the Jags' owner expect? You have an NFL team in JACKSONVILLE! Pick: Eagles.

Cluckers: Did you just say "blacked out"? That's what happened to me last week. Seriously, I don't remember making those picks last week. Pick: Jaguars.

Skippy: You remember having sex with a rooster?

Cluckers: No, that didn't happen. You are playing a joke on me!

Skippy: Whatever helps YOU sleep tonight.

Raiders at Cardinals

Skippy: Oh God! This is the matchup from hell. Both teams had a close win and a blowout loss. Both teams' close win was against the Rams. Bruce Gradkowski gets the start for the Raiders and should give them a spark. Pick: Raiders.

Cluckers: Since both teams are bad, I am going with the team with the bird on their helmet. Pick: Cardinals.

Skippy: Woah woah woah! Wait, you criticize me for picking the winner in some games based on who is the home team, and then you pull some shit out of your ass about a bird on the helmet? What's that about?

Cluckers (with a bottle of whiskey in one hand/wing, stumbling and slurring his speech): Hey, buddyyy. You don't jjjjjudge me, you ssssssssissified moron. I got more N N N NFL knowledge in my bbbbbbeak then you do in your entire body.

Skippy: Okay then! You finished?

Cluckers: Nope. (Takes one final swig from the bottle) Now I'm finished! Hehehehehe!

Skippy: Moving on.

Chargers at Seahawks

Skippy: I'll be honest. I don't really give a crap about this game. I don't know why, either. It just doesn't interest me. But if Seattle wins, they may start wishing they were back in the AFC West. Pick: Chargers.

Cluckers: You know who my favorite non-athlete of all time is? Dave Krieg. Pick: Seahawks.

Colts at Broncos

Skippy: I'm hoping that last week's win against the Giants means the Colts are back on track. Bob Sanders being out is a big blow to the defense though. The Broncos don't have much of a running game going. Knowshon Moreno isn't really working out, and they brought in Lawrence Maroney from the Patriots to see if he can give them a boost. Yeah, getting a fourth-string running back from another team will shore up your running attack! Pick: Colts.

Cluckers: What, you have no faith in Josh McDaniels as a coach? Where's the love? Pick: Broncos.

Jets at Dolphins

Skippy: You'll appreciate this, Cluckers. So Braylon Edwards got himself a DUI arrest this week. He was pulled over police because his driving was about as erratic as his ball-catching skills. So he won't be starting the game against Miami. And what's with the beard, Braylon? The whole Kimbo Slice thing doesn't look good on you! The Dophins are 2-0, but not because of their offense. This will be a defensive battle, a low-scoring affair. Right up Miami's alley. Pick: Dolphins.

Cluckers: Still not buying into the dynasty to be that is the Jets, huh? Pick: Jets.

Skippy: No, I'm not. If they can play at a high level every week, I might change my mind.

Packers at Bears

Skippy: So Jay Cutler is looking pretty sharp early in the season. 5 TD passes, only one INT. Not bad. They look like a playoff team. The Bears may be good, but the Packers are still better, in all aspects. But it should be a good game. Pick: Packers.

Cluckers: Da Bears Da Bears da bears da bears da bears. Pick: Bears.

Skippy: You want some cheese fries with that poor imitation of that SNL Skit?

Cluckers: Let's see you do better!

Skippy: Well, I think you are gonna get crushed this week with your picks. I mean, I at least did a little bit of research in making my picks. You just picked the opposite team from me. What's the strategy in that?

Cluckers: Who put the cheese ball up in the window sill?

Skippy: What the...???

Clucker: I said, who put the cheese ball up in the window sill.

Skippy: Oh I see. You are going into an alcohol-induced psychosis. Good luck with that. See you next week!

Skippy and Cluckers NFL week 2 Predictions (and addictions)

Well, Week One of the NFL season is in the books! My Redskins got an exciting win against a penalty-prone Dallas Cowboys squad that kept shooting themselves in the foot every chance they got. I laughed uncontrollably at the last play of the first half. What a bone-headed play by the Cowboys, all around. Yeah, let’s just fumble with 3 seconds to play in the half and give the Skins an easy TD! Hey, we will take a win any way we can get it. It’s going to take some time for Donovan McNabb to adjust to the new offense, so our defense needs to be stout as hell! I can see the Redskins being competitive in most games this year, maybe even making the playoffs. But it is a long season, and a lot can and will happen over the next four months. So I am trying to keep my excitement contained because I know this team’s recent history. They will play a great game one week and lay an egg the next.
Speaking of which, I am going to try to post weekly predictions for the NFL games in the upcoming week. I didn’t get around to doing it for Week One because I was just too busy. But I don’t want to predict these games alone. That’s why I am enlisting the help of someone I met in Rockbridge County. When I worked at Rockbridge CSB, I would always see this guy wobbling across Greenhouse Road, seemingly oblivious to oncoming traffic. I would like to formally introduce you to Cluckers, the Alcoholic Chicken!

Skippy: Hey Cluckers! How are you?
Cluckers: Bawwwk! Pretty damn wasted, dude! I just downed four tallboys in a two-hour period! And now some Crisis Clinician wants to send me to detox in Lynchburg! What the heck? Crisis Clinicians are such douche bags!
S: That’s funny, cuz I just sent a guy to a crisis unit who was drunk and has a history of cutting the heads off chickens in a drunken rage!
C: Bawwwwwk!! What the fuck, man? Why would you try to mess with my head like that? Is that what you do for a living?
S: Yeah, I am a crisis counselor, like the guy who wants to send you to detox!
C: Oh, really? Awkward!
S: I wasn’t offended. I never get offended at things alcoholics say when they are drunk.
C: WTF? I am not an alcoholic, Skippy! I just use alcohol to self-medicate!
S: (rolls his eyes) Ohhh, okay! Wink wink. Cluckers, I have a question for you?
C: Go ahead, TDO king!
S: Are you sure you are a real chicken and not just some emo kid dressed up in a chicken costume?
C: What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I’m a real chicken! You must have a demented mind to come up with that shit?
S: Sorry, it’s just that I have been similarly fooled before.
C: How so?
S: Long story.
C: You crisis clinicians must all be freaks!
S: Pretty much! Notice I didn’t question the fact that I am conversing with a chicken who talks! So, are you ready to predict winners for Week Two?
C: Let me chug this last 40 of OE and smoke a Black and Mild while we do this. Bawwwwwk!
S: Whatever gets you through!

Steelers @ Titans

Skippy: So the Steelers survived Week One without Ben Roethlisberger. If only Big Ben could have kept Little Ben in his pants, Steeler Nation wouldn’t have to sweat it out the next four weeks. Tennessee looked very impressive against the Raiders. Wait, everyone looks impressive against the Raiders. So, not a great measuring stick. The Steelers still have one of the best defenses around. Meanwhile, the Titans have Chris Johnson, who rushed for over 2,000 yards last season and shows no signs of slowing down. This is probably the toughest game for me to pick, but I give the edge to the Titans, who also have a stout defense. Pick: Titans

Cluckers: Bawwwwk! Never root against Troy Polamalu’s $1 Million hair! Pick: Steelers.

Skippy: Cluckers, you don’t seem to be taking this very seriously. I mean, the Steelers could be a good pick, but don’t you want to justify that pick with something better than Troy Polamalu’s mane?

Cluckers: Dude, I am drunk as hell right now. I carry a baseline BAC of .47. Let me do this my way!

Skippy: Fine, whatever.

Dolphins @ Vikings

Skippy: Finding highlights of the Dolphins-Bills game on ESPN this week was like trying to spot Bigfoot. That’s probably because the Dolphins’ victory was a snoozer. Based solely on the score, 15-10, Miami’s offense is probably in trouble. They should have blown out the hapless Bills. As for the Vikings, who lost to the Saints last Thursday night, it is clear that Brett Favre does not trust his receivers yet. With Sidney Rice out, Percy Harvin should be Brett’s go to guy. But Harvin is cutting routes short and is not on the same page with Favre. Adrian Peterson is still one of the best running backs in the game, and he made strides in the offseason to reduce his fumbles. I have to give the edge to the Vikings in this one, if only due to lack of visual evidence about the Dolphins. Pick: Vikings

Cluckers: You know that guy who dresses like a Viking in the endzone at Viking home games? I bet you he has been known to pound down a few pints of Stella Artois before games! Pick: Vikings.

Skippy: (shakes head) It’s gonna be a long season.

Cardinals @ Falcons

Skippy: The Cardinals barely beat the Rams, who, for the last four years, have had one of the top two picks in the NFL draft, they have been so bad. Without Kurt Warner at QB, the Cardinals will return to their losing ways. They will be lucky to win 6 or 7 games this year. Meanwhile, the Falcons couldn’t get their running game going against the Steelers, but to be fair, the Steelers have a great run defense. Matt Ryan also seems to be regressing a bit. But I still think the Falcons are the better team here. Pick: Falcons.

Cluckers: The last time I witnessed two sets of birds duke it out was in a rundown warehouse in Southern Mexico. Pick: Cardinals.

Skippy: When were you in Mexico?

Cluckers: Long story.

Ravens @ Bengals

Skippy: Prediction: the Bengals will not go 6-0 in their division, like last year. Why? When was the last time Cincy put two back to back winning seasons together? Probably the days of Boomer Esiason. The Bengal defense was absolutely porous in their loss to the Patriots. The Ravens are serious Super Bowl contenders with that defense, and now Joe Flacco has some receivers to throw to. Factor in Ray Rice, who is going to be a superstar running back, and they have the formula for success this year. The Bengals are not the team they were last year, and T.O. just adds more distraction to the already circuslike atmosphere that comes with Chad Ochocinco. Pick: Ravens

Cluckers: Owens and Ochocinco will leave for the locker room with five minutes left in the first half so they can be “looked at”. Pick: Ravens.

Skippy: I have to admit, that was actually pretty funny, Cluckers!

Cluckers: Ba-kaawwwwk! Thanks, jerk off!

Skippy: WTF?

Chiefs @ Browns

Skippy: It’s good to know that I was right when I said Jake Delhomme will be just as bad in Cleveland as he was in Carolina. His two INTs against the Bucs proves that he is a has been, and probably is actually a never was! The Chiefs showed some promise in their win over the Chargers, with young talent on both sides of the ball. I could see them winning 7 or 8 games this year. Pick: Chiefs.

Cluckers: I have now switched to tequila. Of course, I ate the worm. Pick: Chiefs.

Skippy: Man, you should work for ESPN!

Bears @ Cowboys

Skippy: The Bears should have lost to the Lions if not for the controversial call that rendered Calvin Williams touchdown an incomplete pass. That was a TD in my eyes and the Lions should have had that game. The Cowboys did everything they had to do to lose to my Redskins. 12 penalties for 91 yards, including a holding penalty on Alex Barron ensured the Redskins victory. Still, the Dallas defense kept the Skins’ offense in check most of the night. The Cowboys probably won’t have nearly as many penalties this week as they did on Sunday. Pick: Cowboys

Cluckers: I was waiting for Albert Haynesworth to stomp on Andre Gurode’s head again. Didn’t happen. Pick: Cowboys

Skippy: That’s because Haynesworth didn’t play much because he is pretty much a $100 million backup.

Eagles @ Lions

Skippy: Well, the Kevin Kolb era came to an abrupt halt now didn’t it? After leaving the game with a concussion, Michael Vick took over and almost led the Eagles to victory. No matter what your personal feelings toward Vick are, he still brings something to the football field that most teams find hard to defend. He looked like a better passer than I remember him being. Maybe he has matured, at least on the field. Off the field, who knows. Someone got shot at his 30th birthday. The Lions have to recover from a tough loss to the Bears, and their defense seems improved. The addition of Suh (not gonna try to spell his first name) and Vanden Bosch seems to have helped that side of the ball. And the Lions will be hungry for a win after having one snatched away from them last week. But it won’t be enough. Pick: Eagles.

Cluckers: So does this mean Vick will get his starting job back and then start another dogfighting enterprise?

Skippy: No, this time it will be cockfighting.

Cluckers: Low blow, dude! I need another 40 after that comment.

Skippy: You were gonna get another 40 either way, you beer bibber!

Cluckers: True dat, homey!

Bills @ Packers

Skippy: This will be short. The Bills suck, the Packers don’t. Pick: Packers

Cluckers: Have the Bills been moved to Toronto yet? Pick: Packers

Buccaneers @ Panthers

Skippy: This one is a toss up. Though they lost to the Giants, the Panthers intercepted Eli Manning three times. But their defense isn’t what it used to be. Josh Freeman showed some promise for the Bucs, but of course, that was against the Browns. I’ll go with the home team here. Pick: Panthers.

Cluckers: That’s typical. Use the old “Root for the home team” approach. Grow a pair, Skippy! Pick: Bucs.

Skippy: Hey, it’s only the second game of the season. It takes a few weeks to get an idea of how good or bad a team is going to be. Cut me some slack. On the other hand, it only took me a few seconds to figure out that you are the coop drunk!

Cluckers: Hey, I represent that remark!

Seahawks @ Broncos

Skippy: My question about the Seahawks from Sunday is “Are they that good, or are the 49ers that bad?” The answer is probably somewhere in the middle. The NFC West is full of mediocre or worse teams this year, so anything can happen. The Broncos lost to Jacksonville, who is the fourth best team in the AFC South. So for me, choosing the winner here is a crapshoot. So I think I’ll go with the better QB. Pick: Seahawks.

Cluckers: Tim Tebow is the man! He is going to lead the Broncos to glory! Pick: Broncos.

Skippy: Cluckers, did you happen to snort any of Dippy’s cocaine?

Cluckers: Who the fuck is Dippy?

Skippy: I will tell you later. Do you listen to Avenged Sevenfold, by chance?

Cluckers: Yeah man!

Skippy: That explains a lot, actually.

Rams @ Raiders

Skippy: I just now realized that the weakest division in the NFC (West) is playing the weakest division in the AFC (also the West!). Raider nation will be in full force, and the coliseum will look like some acid-infused biker rally, as usual. I liked Jason Campbell when he was a Redskin, and feel like he never had the chance to excel because he had a new offensive coordinator every year. He brings stability to the Raiders’ QB position, replacing Jamarcus Russell (aka, Stay-Puft). The Rams are rebuilding with rookie QB Sam Bradford, a process that will take some years, because the Rams need to seriously upgrade their offensive line. Pick: Raiders.

Cluckers: You wanna see alcoholics. Raiders fans are some hardcore alcoholics! I got nothing on them. My problems aren’t nearly as bad as theirs. I mean, they continue to go to games for a team that hasn’t been in the same ballpark as relevant for years. Pick: Raiders.

Skippy: Wait, you just bashed the Raiders, but are picking them to win? That’s messed up.

Cluckers: They’re playing the Rams, Skippy.

Skippy: Good point.

Texans @ Redskins

Skippy: So the Texans FINALLY beat the Colts. Arian Foster, who I never heard of until Sunday, ran for 231 yards against a suspect Colts run defense. BUT, they still gave up 434 passing yards, so their defense is still not great. The Skins defense, on the other hand, is shaping up to be one of the best in the league, even without the cancer that is Albert Haynesworth on the field every play. The Skins offense is still a work in progress though. So here we have a great Texans offense versus a great Skins defense. Pick: Redskins.

Cluckers: I’m going with the Texans solely because I knew you were going to pick your favorite team in this one. Pick: Texans.

Skippy: You and Rob Dibble are too much alike. You are both drunks, and you both don’t know when to shut up. I can axe you like the Nats did to Dibble if you like.

Cluckers: Never say the word “axe” to a chicken!

Skippy: Axe, axe, axe!

Patriots @ Jets

Skippy: I really haven’t bought into all the hype surrounding the Jets in the offseason. They were a trendy Super Bowl pick, and I don’t know why. Sure they have a great defense, and their running game was number one in the league last year. But the NFL has become a more pass-happy entity, and in that realm the Jets are lacking. Second-year QB Mark Sanchez has a lot of improving to do before the Jets become a legit Super Bowl contender. The Patriots, on the other hand, have plenty of experience on their roster, starting with Tom Brady. In addition, Rex Ryan has talked a lot of smack about the Patriots in the offseason, and the Patriots have long memories. Pick: Patriots.

Cluckers: I’ve been drinking the Jets’ Kool-Aid all summer. Sure, I’ve been adding vodka and rum to it, but I’ve been drinking it! Pick: Jets.

Skippy: Leave it to a drunk chicken to let others dictate what he believes!

Cluckers: Palin in 2012!

Skippy: Back to Detox!

Jaguars @ Chargers

Skippy:The Chargers have begun their annual tradition of starting the season slow. They never do very well in September for whatever reason. This year they are at even more of a disadvantage because the only receiving threat they have is Antonio Gates. They can only hope that rookie RB Ryan Matthews is the next great Chargers tailback. But I think they have enough firepower to get past the Jags this week. Pick: Chargers

Cluckers: I picked David Garrard for my fantasy team. Pick: Jaguars

Skippy: This keeps getting better and better.

Giants @ Colts

Manning Bowl II! The Colts just lost to the Texans, and I know they don’t want to start the season 0-2. Eli threw 3 INTs against the Panthers. Though I don’t think that’s a sign of things to come, the Giants need to run the ball consistently this week to keep Peyton off the field. That means getting the overrated Ahmad Bradshaw and the disgruntled Brandon Jacobs to share the ball. Hopefully the Colts’ run defense got a wake-up call after the loss to the Texans. Pick: Colts.

Cluckers (speech slurred almost beyond comprehension): You been ssssslurping Peyton Manning’sss asssss for years. Of course you picked the Colts, you sssssspineless imp! Pick: Giants.

Skippy: Seriously, Cluckers. Rob Dibble, man, Rob Dibble.

Saints @ 49ers

Despite the fact that they are the defending Super Bowl Champions, the Saints have a relatively easy schedule. They already passed one of the harder tests they will face by beating the Vikings, in a surprisingly defense-laden battle. I expect Drew Brees and the rest of the Saints offense will be firing on all cylinders this week. Don’t know what to say about the Niners. Was their loss to Seattle an aberration or a sign of a long season to come? Pick: Saints.

Cluckers: Sssssseriously, what is that thing on Drew Brees’ face? Pick: Saints.

Skippy: That was rude, Cluckers!

Cluckers: You think I worrrrrry about being polite?

Skippy: Probably not. Well, I think we need to work on our chemistry a bit,
Cluckers. Speaking of which, I think your brain chemistry is out of whack. You should really get psychiatrically evaluated.

Cluckers: You need to be pssssychiatrically valuated!

Skippy: Great comeback. See you next week.

Cluckers: Seriously, Brees should get that thing checked out. It could be cancerous or ssssomething. Ba-Kawwwk! Hiccup!

Skippy: Dear God, what did I get myself into?

New Math Metal Band: The Rob Dibble Travesty

Last night was a big letdown--of sorts. I thought for a few moments there that the Hokies weren't even going to put up a fight. That first quarter was abysmal. So many mistakes, and a porous defense. I am glad they came alive in the second and third quarters, but only to go silent again in the fourth. Overall, it was a disappointing loss for the Hokies, as it certainly puts National Title hopes in jeopardy. But Tyrod Taylor was amazing! I hope he can play like that all season, because if the running game gets going with Evans and Williams, that will be a three-pronged attack that few will be able to contain. The defense is clearly a work in progress, however, and the kicking game is even more of a liability. I don't think Hazley is the answer for field goals.

Overall, I took comfort in knowing VT could hang with Boise State until the end, and we showed flashes of greatness that could be. But consistency will be the key if we want to come out on top of the ACC. Depending on what happens with other National Title contenders, Tech could still have a shot at going to the Championship game. But no more losses, and other dominos have to fall. For instance, if you are a Hokie fan, you are also a Florida State and Miami fan for this weekend only, because they play Oklahoma and Ohio State, respectively. The more loses Oklahoma and OSU have, the better chance VT has of being considered a contender. So there is some hope!

In other news, Rob Dibble got fired as color commentator for the Washington Nationals. Dibble has always been a controversial choice as commentator for Nats games, due to some of the things he said during games. For instance, he was fascinated by two women sitting behind the dugout who appeared to be talking the whole game. He made a sexist comment about how they were probably talking about where the best clothing sales were going to be the next day. He focused on these women for several innings and continued to make sexist comments. The emails came flying in and Bob Carpenter, the lead commentator, kept trying to get Dibble to tone it down. I didn't watch this particular game on TV, but I would imagine Dibble had been drinking. That has been my running joke with my friend Keith, that Rob Dibble is a raging alcoholic, which is why he makes such stupid comments. And the worse the Nats are playing, the more Dibble drinks. But the straw that broke the camel's back was when he basically called Stephen Strasburg a cry baby because he injured his arm in a late August game. Later it was discovered that he tore the ligament in his elbow, which will require Tommy John surgery, the recovery from which takes 12-18months. I am now starting to think the Nationals will become a cursed team, starting with their star pitcher being out for the rest of this season and all of next season. Anyways, Dibble being fired gets mixed reviews from me. On one hand, I enjoyed making fun of his idiotic comments, his trying to quote lines from Adam Sandler movies, and his alleged drunken rants on how umpires don't call strikes as much as they use to "back in the day when I was pitching." Ironically, however, it was his idiocy that did Dibble in, and cost him his job.

Rob Dibble's demise kinda symbolizes D.C. sports in general: either a travesty already or one waiting to happen. The Wizards have not been relevant for years, at least not since I moved to VA in 1988. The Nationals are struggling to sell tickets and I wouldn't be surprised if the team moves in the next several years, because D.C. is not a baseball town. The Capitals have been good for a few years, but can't do anything in the playoffs. And the Redskins, well, they're the Redskins. Though I am fully confident the Skins will win more than four games thise year, I still have a sneaking suspicion they will be mediocre at best. Whether it's the aging backfield, the new offensive line, or the lack of good wide receivers (other than Santana Moss), this team does not feel like a playoff team to me. Donovan McNabb is a great QB, but who does he have to throw to other than Moss and my man Chris Cooley? One thing Coach Mike Shanahan will have to do is fix all the fuck ups the previous regime made. He has done that. The atmosphere around the team is more positive, and Shanny isn't taking any shit from players, whether they have a $600,000contract or a $100 Million contract. Looks like Albert Haynesworth may be traded back to the Titans, in a "Return to Sender" type scenario. And thank God! He is a cancer, no matter how much talent he may have.

I hope the future of D.C. Sports is bright, although I could care less about the aforementioned Wizards (I'm actually a Bobcats fan). I would love to see the Skins win another Super Bowl, for the Nats become contenders, and for the Capitals to hoist the Stanley Cup. Maybe in time, all of that will happen. But that is not my immediate concern. I now have to figure out what I'm going to do now that I can't make "Rob Dibble is an Alcoholic and idiot" jokes!

Frayed Nerves

I'm a nervous wreck right now. I am on-call for work today, and sitting in my office, and I am just a bundle of nerves. Though the College Football season started this past Thursday, and has gone on through the weekend, the only game I give a shit about is tonight. I have had this date in my mind for the past several months, since I found out the Virginia Tech-Boise State game was being moved from October to the first game of the season.

In a way, I hate it when the Hokies play a tough opponent for their first game. With a new season comes a new set of questions about how good or not good this version of the Hokies will be. I know going into tonight that the offense is solid! Tyrod is a senior, the wide receivers are in their third year, and they have a hellacious 1-2 punch at Tailback with Ryan Williams and Darren Evans, both 1000-yard rushers. The unknown quantities with the 2010 Hokies is the defense, which had to replace 7 starters, and the kicking game. So I hate going into a game against a tough opponent such as BSU not knowing what the Hokies will look like. At least if you have a few games against lesser opponents, the offense and defense have the opportunity to get in sync. But this is the first game, and they are playing a Boise team that returns a total of 21 starters from last year. That team went 14-0 last season, and they are one year more experienced. So I have been sitting here thinking about what it will take for VT to beat the Broncos. I figure it has to start with the running game. Ram the ball down Boise's throat to keep their high-powered offense off the field. And then pray that the defense can figure out Kellen Moore and the rest of the Boise offense pretty quickly. I have faith in Bud Foster's ability to get his guys prepared. But most of our defense is inexperienced. Damn I'm nervous.

And Pessimistic! Why? Maybe it's because VT is 0-21 against Top-5 ranked opponents away from Blacksburg. This game is at FedEx Field in Landover, MD. Essentially a home game, probably 90% of the fans will be rooting for VT. But that was the case several years ago when VT lost to USC at FedEx Field. So I am just going to say this:

It's time, Hokies! It's time you grab the respect you and your coach so well deserve. That national recognition that seems so fleeting. ACC Championships and Orange Bowl wins are great. But you know that case we have for our National Championship Crystal Ball? It's still empty! That means you have to play like you are possessed tonight, and for the whole season. God knows, all of our tough ACC games are on the road this year, for the most part. Miami is much improved, as is Florida State. It's not going to be easy. But beating Boise State tonight would go a long way to building the confidence needed to believe that no one can beat you!

So here's me cheering my VT Hokies on! Have a great game! I know I will have no fingernails left when all is said and done! I need a drink.

Are you ready? Yes, I'm ready!

Apparently, upper class families in Alaska cannot afford birth control. I read online about how Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, broke of her engagement (again) to wannabe hockey player Levi Johnston. According to the story, Levi, who is the father of Bristol's child, has impregnated another young woman, and this triggered the demise of their engagement, on the same day it was rekindled. I don't give a shit about this story AT ALL. I am not sure how it made it to cbsnews.com, and frankly, I don't care. I am sure it has something to do with Bristol's now barely-relevant mother. But the story of a girl being pissed at her ex-boyfriend/father of her child because he got some other girl pregnant is hardly newsworthy. Their's is a story that plays out in every corner of the country. Therefore, devoting an entire article to one instance of this very common phenomenon seems like a waste of resources.

By stark contrast, I am VERY interested in anything relating to the upcoming football seasons, college and professional. August is one of my favorite month, if only because NFL training camps commence and college football programs begin their fall practices. I get to evaluate the talent on the Virginia Tech roster and develop high hopes for the Hokies in the upcoming season. On the other hand, I get to watch daily reports about how Albert Haynesworth cannot seem to pass the Redskins' conditioning test. This story would be completely comical if it weren't for the fact that this is a player in which the Skins invested $100 million over the next 7 years. He has already been paid $32 Million of that money, and for doing nothing but being a constant pain in the ass of everyone in the Redskins Organization. He has done nothing but bitch and complain about how playing Nose Tackle in Defensive Coordinator Jim Haslett's 3-4 defense because it doesn't cater to his skill set. Damn, Albert, for $100 million, wouldn't you say you should be making the adjustments your employer is asking of you? Just a thought.

But the main reason I know the NFL season is upon us is the now traditional Annual Brett Favre "Will he or won't he retire?" saga. I love Brett Favre as a player. His grittiness and brazen approach to the quarterback position is something I respect greatly. But his constant retiring and unretiring is getting, well, tiring!

My expectations for the Redskins this year are not high, like they EVER really are. Having a new coaching staff in place means needing at least one season to adjust to new offensive and defensive systems, new terminology, and development of team chemistry. Is Donovan McNabb the QB who will take the Skins to the Super Bowl? I am not fully convinced that he is, mostly because he has not been able to play a full season for the past six years due to injury. I think skillwise, he still has the talent to lead a team deep into the playoffs. But his durability has always been his Achilles' Heel. The Skins are also relying on a trio of aging tailbacks to produce in the running game: Clinton Portis, Larry Johnson, and Willie Parker, all of whom are at least 30 years old. All in all, I am not expecting a whole lot from the Redskins this year.

On the other hand, I am very optimistic about the Hokies. They are absolutely loaded on offense this year. This starts with their running game. When you have Ryan Williams as your starting running back, you are in great shape. The kid ran for over 1,600 yards last season. Backing him up is the 2008 starter, Darren Evans, who rushed for 1,200 yards that season. He would have been the starter last year, but had a season ending ACL injury. He has looked great in practice. So the running game is solid with those two in the backfiel, not to mention David Wilson and Josh Oglesby, who are pretty good runners themselves. The O-line is much more athletic than last year. The wide receiving corp are all Juniors now, and will only continue to improve. The only question about the Hokies this season will be how effectively they can replace all the starters they lost on defense. But with Bud Foster as the Defensive Coordinator, I wouldn't worry too much. Plus, if the offense can run the clock down with their powerful running attack, the defense may not have to be on the field a whole lot. Any questions about the Hokies will be answered the first game of the season when they host Boise State on Labor Day.

Football season is by far my favorite time of the year, although I doubt my wife would say the same thing on her own behalf. I am hopeful that I will be able to go to at least one Hokies game this year, in Blacksburg. Not only does football season excite me because of the game itself, but it also symbolizes the commencement of Autumn, my favorite season. At this point, I am sick of hot weather. 90 degree days with high humidity are fun no longer. I am ready for October, when the temps drop to the 60's and you can golf without constantly having to mop the sweat of your brow. So yes, I am ready for some football!

"You're wearing the shirt for the band you are going to see? Don't be that guy!"

Blogging is quickly becoming my favorite "downtime at work" pasttime. And to avoid the Internet police, I usually write up my blog on Microsoft Word and paste it into the blog. Although, I am not sure if the agency really looks at internet use outside of normal business hours. I mean, it's 9:40pm, for goodness sakes. They gotta figure we have SOME downtime on this shift.

So I was perusing the internet briefly to find out information about the Acacia Strain, a metal band whose new album I am interested in purchasing at some point. I am doing this primarily because I am trying to calm down after the case I just dealt with at the Lynchburg General ER (I will get to that in a moment). Apparently, the Acacia Strain is not allowed to play anymore gigs at the House of Blues in Orlando, Florida. The reason for this is because there was a brawl during the concert, but not during Acacia's set. However, the proprietors of the club identified that several brawl participants had Acacia Strain shirts on.

I have two problems with this. First, why punish the Acacia Strain when the brawl didn't even occur during their set. Second, why were the Acacia Strain fans blatantly engaging in the most cardinal sin of concertgoing, that being "Don't ever wear a t-shirt for the band you are going to see!". So now I'm thinking that House of Blues, Orlando has banned the Acacia Strain because of their dorky, Acacia Strain shirt-wearing fans, not because of some brawl. It is a well known fact that when you go to a metal concert, you wear a shirt from a band that is not performing at that concert. If you don't have any metal shirts, then you wear a camoflage t-shirt, black jeans and white high tops like this idiot Roman and I saw at an Obituary concert once. The dude looked like Cha-Chi, and he started hitting on the wife of Obituary's bassist Frank Watkins, who promptly stared Cha-Chi down and gave him the throat slash gesture.

So back to that ECO case I worked at the ER. I like to believe that there are no bad cases in crisis work, and by bad I mean "wastes of my time". 99.9% of the case I see are at least rooted in some valid concerns by family, friends or other CSB staff. However, tonight's case was a waste of time and resources. I can't go into all the details due to confidentiality of course. But suffice it to say, the case had me scratching my head as to how the Magistrate in Appomattox County even decided there was enough evidence to issue an ECO. The client and his wife have a marriage that has long since been dead. I think the wife made up a whole bunch of stuff to get the client ECO'd and subsequently evaluated by mental health. And this gentleman I was evaluating was completely flabbergasted about what happened. The more information I obtained from him, as well as his daughter, the more I realized that his wife had gotten an ECO under false pretenses. I felt sorry for the man after that, but moreover, I was pretty livid inside.

The reason I was so angry was because this woman wasted a lot of time and resources with her little escapade. First, she wasted the magistrate's time. Then, she wasted time and resources of the Appomattox Sheriff's Department, who had to use one of their few on-duty deputies to transport the client to the ER for assessment. Third, she wasted time and resources of the ER staff, by taking up an ER bay with an "ECO for spite" case. Finally, she wasted my time because I still had to do all of the same paperwork I would do for a legitimate case.

Needless to say, I have had to process this incident in my head. I feel better now, but my drive back to the office consisted of me ruminating over it in my head. I can rest easy tonight and contemplate going to an Acacia Strain concert at some point in time. Unfortunately, it won't be on Mickey Mouse's turf.

REAGAN!! REAGAN!!

That's what I was screaming at the television today. While our new Air Conditioning unit was being installed by my brother-in-law's HVAC Technician friend Aaron, I was watching episodes of JEOPARDY I had recorded on DVR. I watch that show religiously and my work schedule does not allow me to watch it during its normal timeslot. This week is "Kids Week" on the show. So I get to feel a lot smarter watching Jeopardy than normal because the questions are catered to 10-12 year olds. But on one of the episodes, the one from Tuesday, the kids really upset me!

I forget the category now, but the clue asked the contestants to identify who the U.S. President was that was shown in a picture wherein he is shaking hands with a Chinese politician. Looking at the picture, I clearly identified that President as Ronald Reagan. I THOUGHT the kids would all know this as well. However, I was sorely disappointed, and later, a bit depressed. First off, none of the three kids knew who the President was. What made it worse is that they went ahead and took a stab at it anyways. One kid said "Who is Nixon?". Nope! Another kid said "Who is JFK?". What the heck? When Alex Trebek informed these youngins of the correct answer, he had this dispondent look on his face. I agree, Alex. I thought they should have known that too!

The reason I felt a bit depressed later on is because I am now starting to feel a bit old. God, I am only 33, but I feel like such a lamer. I find myself talk about what kind of crap passes off as music these days, and how can today's kids listen to that junk? I reminisce about "good" music, like Alice in Chains, Nirvana, and old-school Nine Inch Nails, and how today's bands can't hold a candle to those legendary artists. I mean, there is a whole generation of 16 year olds who never saw Kurt Cobain alive. And now, these same kids apparently have no idea who the hell Ronald Reagan was. Love him or hate him, he was one of the more iconic Presidents we have had. And these young Jeopardy contestants took a (failed) stab at it!

I know I am not a young, idealistic 17 year old boy anymore. The gradual disappearance of hair on top of my head is certainly evidence of that. But when I start talking about how I can't believe these kids today don't know who Reagan is, or how I can't stand the music today's kids listen to, I start coming to the realization that I am showing my age a bit. What's worse, I am starting to sound like my parents. They bashed my music and talked about how Elvis and the Beatles kick my music's ass. And I would just laugh at them because there was no way Elvis is better than Alice in Chains.

Let's face it! If you are currently in your 30's, you were primarily brought up in the 80's and 90's. The world has changed immensely since those decades. We didn't have the Internet, iPods, or cell phones when I was in high school. Life was simpler. We didn't have to worry about kids getting in trouble for sexting, we didn't have Emo (we had Goth, but not Emo). We knew how to use a pay phone, and in some cases, a rotary phone. With everything going on in American schools these days, I am almost scared to send my own kids to public schools. School violence continues to be a growing epidemic, kids having sex at younger and younger ages. And it all starts at home!

Here is my plea to all the parents out there who are raising young kids. Do right by your kids. Today's parents are my peers, and we were all raised with Mr. Rogers telling us "You're Special!" This gave my generation a sense of entitlement, and therefore, when my generation becomes parents, they are more lax when it comes to raising their kids. They let their kids get away with a hell of a lot more than my parents let me get away with. Though people from my generation may be starting to feel old, we still have a lot of growing up to do! Our kids depend on it. We have to have the right balance between letting our children grow up to be unique individuals and dishing out proper discipline when necessary. We need to emphasize the importance of the past with our children, if only to help them learn from the mistakes of the past so as not to repeat them. Overall, we have to arm our kids with the knowledge they need to be successful in life. And we can start by making sure they know who Ronald Reagan is!

When "Eventually" Became "Now".

I am sitting in my office at work (and by "my" office, I mean the office I share with my co-workers Amanda and Heather, and an intern named Janet who looks like a 50 year old version of a girl I knew in college). Tonight is eerily quiet, though I keep waiting for the pager to go off. Jackie (my other co-worker who works the same shift as I) could certainly use the break after yesterday's "crisis fest".

I spent some of this evening reading Chuck Klosterman's book "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs", wherein I discovered that cold cereal was invented to stifle the rampant libidos of 19th Century Victorians. But I continued to be distracted by the fact that, at the current time, my wife Brianne and I do not have air conditioning in our home. This is due to the fact that our current Ducane unit decided to die on us on Tuesday. I remember when we had our home inspection prior to closing on our house last July, and the inspector and I going to the back of the house to inspect the unit, because at the time of the inspection, it was not cooling at all. Apparently, the homeowners at that time did not really use AC like normal Americans, and didn't realize there was something wrong. Obviously, Brianne and I required the owner's to have that fixed. What it seems happened is that the HVAC company that came in and fixed it did a "quick fix" by installing a hard start on the unit and replacing the capacitor. What our HVAC guy, Donnie, informed us of is that the unit we have is too small for our house. It is a two-ton unit, and we need a three-ton, based on our square footage. So on top of it being a cheaply made unit, manufactured by a Ducane company in South Carolina I had never heard of, the unit itself was working way to hard to cool and heat the house.

During the inspection, I took one look at that unit, and immediately made an internal bet with myself: Which will occur first? This AC unit will break down and I will have to replace it? Or Michael Vick getting in trouble again? Ironically, the two events happened almost simultaneously. Yesterday, I not only found out I was going to have to spend $3000+ on a new unit, but I also found out that most likely, Michael Vick, at his 30th Birthday party, ordered one of his homies to pop a cap in the ass of one of his former co-conspirators in the dogfighting ring who showed up to the party uninvited. Michael Vick is a dumpster fire in a way Charlie Sheen can only aspire to be. I mean, this idiot hasn't learned a damn thing about how to behave himself in a manner commensurate with the expectations placed on NFL players by Commissioner Roger Gooddell. He has given Virginia Tech a bad name, and I think it's time for the University to cut ties with him. But I digress.

So Brianne and I are spending the next couple of days in our hot house. It is worse for Brianne because at least I leave in the late morning before it gets too hot and come back after Midnight when it has cooled back down. This weekend we will stay with her parents. On Monday, Donnie will return with our new York unit, and our lives will be whole again.

BTW, the pager did go off while I was typing this post. Luckily, it wasn't anything Jackie or I have to go out for.

It's Over!

Unless something miraculous happens between now and the end of the regular season, this will be my last blog post about the Washington Nationals. After a promising 20-15 start, the Nats have limped to a 13-28 record in their last 41 games. Unlike last season, it isn't really their pitching that is killing them. The problem with this year's Nats team is they are ranked last in most offensive categories. Outside of Adam Dunn, Josh Willingham, and Ryan Zimmerman, the Nats bats are as silent as a comedy club audience hearing Michael Richards' N-word tirade. Poor Stephen Strasburg, the phenomenal rookie starting pitcher, has been pitching lights out in his first four starts. However, the last two games in which he has pitched, he has had next to no run support. What good is having a pitcher of Strasburg's caliber, if the lineup on his team can't score any runs for him. This is why I half-expect Strasburg to sign with another team, like the effing Yankees, when his rookie contract is up. If the Nats don't get some more legitimate hitters, and soon, Strasburg won't stick around to see the rebuilding process come to fruition.

In addition to the poor hitting, the Nats' defense is starting to make more frequent errors, the ones that plagued them all last season. This gave the Orioles (who have only won 23 games all season) the momentum they needed to sweep the Nats this weekend, all wins in which the Orioles trailed by at least 4 runs in each game, and came back and one, because the Nats extended the Orioles' side of the inning by committing errors.

So, I am conceding defeat. That pipe dream I had of the Nats competing for the Wild Card spot is dead like Vanilla Ice's career. Unless Strasburg throws a no-hitter in the rest of the season, you won't hear a peep from me about the Nats until next season. I have two months until the football season starts! Then this blog will get some action!!

Random Thoughts for June 24th, 2010

1) Last night's drive home from work included me re-introducing myself to the highly underrated Nine Inch Nails album "The Fragile". This double-CD album, though not nearly as popular as "The Downward Spiral" includes some of Trent Reznor's most introspective material up to that point. My drive also included the usual dodging of deer and other creatures of the night. To my surprise, this included three Holstein cows on River Road in Amherst County. I know the cows belong to the guy who lives right off the road. How his cows actually got on the road is beyond me, because I thought he had them fenced in. But hey, I can now add "cows" to the list of critters I have avoided smashing with my car during my trips home.

2) I really hate those "accordion-style" Post-It Notes. You know the ones where each individual note sticks in the opposite direction from the previous one. I reach for one note, not realizing it is the accordion type, and thus being attacked by a stream of Post-It notes. Aren't most people's jobs stressful enough without having to worry which way they need to turn their Post-It notes to retrieve one?

3) If you are balding and have a ponytail, you are pretty much guaranteeing you will never get laid again. I see these guys who grow out what little hair they have an pull it into this pathetic ponytail. Some of them grow their bangs out really long so they can slick them back, but you can see their bald skull sticking out through it all. The most pathetic guys are the ones who only have hair on the sides and back of their head and grow that out. I had a barber who did that--in the early 80's, and I think it was considered sad back then too! I have yet to see one of these guys walking down the street hand in hand with a woman that wasn't his mother. When Jack Owen, former guitarist for Cannibal Corpse, realized he was balding, he shaved his head. So give up the dream, and get a haircut. Then, cancel your World of Warcraft subscription, move out of your parents' basement, and get a job!

A Small Victory

Today, the United States Soccer Team advanced to the next round of the World Cup with their 1-0 defeat of Algeria. Thanks to a goal by Landon Donovan in the 91st minute, the U.S. can breathe a sigh of relief. Not just because they had to work extra hard to overcome early deficits in the first two games, which ended in a 1-1 draw with England and a 2-2 draw with Slovenia. They should also be relieved that the FIFA referees that were so clearly working against them didn’t actually sabotage their efforts to get to the Round of 16. In the last two matches, the US scored goals that were disallowed because the US was supposedly offsides. However, replays in both of those instances showed, in fact, that that was not the case, and the goals should have stood. In the Slovenia match, Maurice Edu’s goal was overturned, which cost the U.S. two points in the standings, since you get three points for a win, one for a draw. Since the Slovenia match ended in a draw, we only got one point, which meant we absolutely had to beat Algeria today.

Today’s match versus Algeria was wide open. Each side had multiple scoring chances. In the 21st minute, Clint Dempsey scored a great goal, which was subsequently wiped out, again because the referee claimed the U.S. was offsides. Again, replays clearly showed that was not the case. So if not for Donovan’s late goal, the U.S. would be on the next flight back to the States.

Even though the United States advanced to the next round of the World Cup, it is quite clear that FIFA, the governing body of international soccer (futbol, football, whatever you want to call it), does not want the U.S. to win the Cup; hence the blatant bad calls. And their reasons may be, at least in part, justified. It is a well-known fact that in the grand scheme of things, Americans do not really care about soccer. According to ESPN Radio’s Colin Cowherd, the 5 most popular sports in the USA are:

1)NFL Football
2)Major League Baseball
3)College Football (only very slightly behind baseball)
4)NBA Basketball
5)Men’s College Basketball

If I took it to the top ten, I am sure soccer still wouldn’t make the list, getting beaten out by PGA Golf and college baseball, among other things. My point is, soccer doesn’t mean nearly as much to Americans as it does to Europeans or Latin Americans. It’s so not important to our country that we actually have to call it “soccer” as opposed to “football” so we don’t get strikers confused with quarterbacks. The only time soccer really seems to matter in this country is now, during the World Cup. Every four years, the world gets together, and the 32 countries with the best national soccer teams duke it out for 30 days until one is the champion. The U.S. has never one the World Cup because we don’t eat, drink and sleep soccer like European or Central and South American countries. In those countries, soccer is king. It is the national sport/pastime of most of those countries. I think most kids in Brazil come out of the womb holding a soccer ball. In Europe and Latin America, soccer is religion. Therefore, if one of those countries, such as Brazil, were to win the World Cup, the sense of national pride felt by all Brazilians would be overwhelming. The whole country would shut down for a day or two so they could celebrate their victory. If the United States were to win, however, we would probably be happy that we did so, but in the big picture, it would most likely take a distant back seat to seeing our favorite NFL team win the Super Bowl, or our college Alma Mater winning the National Championship in football.

Overall, Americans are bandwagon soccer fans who know enough about the sport to be dangerous. FIFA knows this, and I think they believe that the U.S. winning the World Cup would be a waste since they are convinced our country would never fully appreciate it. It would kind of be like if there were an American Football World Cup. We would most certainly win it every time, but if Argentina were to win it, I don’t think they would see it as that big of a deal, because American Football is our thing, not theirs. That being said, FIFA wants a European or Latin American team to win the World Cup. They want the championship to belong to a country that has immense soccer tradition, and that will fully understand what it means to be World Cup Champions (I am talking about people in general, not the players). Therefore, you can expect more calls going against the U.S. squad in the next round. The FIFA referees have clearly demonstrated their bias against the U.S. We are the only squad that has two goals that were disallowed by the refs, and both wrongfully so. Just like discovering life on another planet, it is clear to me that the U.S. will not win a World Cup in our lifetime.

So enjoy today’s victory America, for it will be short-lived! I hate to sound so negative, but I am just faced with the reality of international soccer politics. But I would be interested to see what would happen if the U.S. did win the World Cup. Perhaps that would get FIFA off our backs. Maybe it would spark a long-lasting American interest in soccer. Maybe. Until then, I am left with my cynicism.

Out of Touch?

My wife and I finally purchased a new wireless router for our home, after almost a year of not having one. Oh, the humanity! We just kept putting it off for one reason or another. But when we signed up for Netflix a couple of weeks ago, and discovered we could watch streaming movies through our Nintendo Wii, which requires a wireless connection, we could put off buying a router no more!

So, with said router installed and working perfectly (after having my friend/neighbor/golf buddy/IT guru Keith help us with it), I have been using our wireless connection to its full potential. One big thing I did was to go into the Nintendo Wii Shop Channel and download Blades of Steel (BOS, from now on), which was my favorite NES game growing up. I remember playing that game with friends hours on end during weekend sleepovers (not that we slept, since we were to busy playing BOS). If you don't remember, BOS was a hockey game, and in 1988, it was the top of the line hockey game. And after hours upon hours of playing it, I became virtually unbeatable. I had one the Tournament Mode in Junior, College, and Pro levels more times than I could count.

Fast forward to Monday, when I attempted to pick up where I left off and resume my childhood mastery of BOS. I played as Minnesota and chose Toronto as my opponents (due to their turquoise uniforms). I chose the Junior skill level, since it had been over 15 years since I last played the game, so I wanted to give myself an "easy" re-introduction. And things started off great, as I scored 2 goals in less than three minutes. However, that pride quickly gave way to anger and shock, as Toronto started scoring like a man walking into a women's prison with a fistful of pardons. The problem was I couldn't goaltend! My goalie may as well have been sitting on the bench, because I certainly couldn't move him fast enough. Offensively, I was turning the puck over way too much, and having trouble taking the puck away from Toronto. If Toronto stole the puck from me in my zone, they inevitably scored due to the aforementioned poor goaltending on my part. I wound up losing this first game 14-8.

After cooling off from my initial shock, I chose to try again. But this time, instead of using the Wii remote, which I found cumbersome in controlling my men, I used the control pad that plugs into the remote. This gave me much better control. However, I lost my second game as well, a 13-12 scorefest between my Chicago team and the Edmonton team.

I have not played that game since Monday, mostly because I have been at work. I have lost my childhood mastery of Blades of Steel. It makes me wonder: what else have I lost from my childhood? I am sure with enough practice, I will once again become the BOS player I used to be. Well, not exactly. A lot has happened to me since my BOS heyday. I have graduated college and graduate school, had several jobs, gotten married, bought a house, among other things. In other words, I have grown up considerably since the late 80's, as I am sure everyone has.

I think we all get so caught up in our adult lives to the extent where we provide ourselves with little time to think about how laid back and carefree our childhood was. I think about all the great times I had in high school: Drama club, girls, Fugazi, being "straight edge", and not having any responsibilities except getting good grades and a few household chores. I think about middle school. On second thought, let's not think about that; otherwise I will need therapy, or at least some little blue pills. But, to that point, our childhood experiences, positive and negative, shape the unique individuals we are today. My friend Sandra told me that four people from our High School graduating class have passed away since we graduated: one from suicide, one from a drug overdose, one in a car accident, and one from a terminal illness. I don't know why, but that hit me like a ton of bricks, for some reason. I don't know why, but it did. I mean, I know the PVHS class of 1995 all thought we were invincible. But as an adult, I know that is not the case, and that we have to make the most of every day that God allows us to have. But at the moment Sandra told me about my fallen former classmates, I was flooded with memories from our four years at Park View, the vast majority of which were very positive. So I was like "How could bad things happend to OUR class?" How egocentric is that?

To keep from rambling, let me fast forward back to today. I am going to recommit myself to making sure I don't forget my roots. I accept the fact that my experiences growing up have made me the man I am today. I think I turned out pretty well, although I know I still have some things to work on, as we all do. Nobody should ever "settle" for being the person they are at this moment. We all need to continue to strive for self-improvement. So I am going to make sure I stay in touch with the person I was in the late 80's and 90's, because he helped shaped the person I am today. And I am going to start by trying to regain my prowess at Blades of Steel!

Quick Thought of the Day

My wife and I bought some Oscar Meyer Light Hot Dogs the other day. They come in a pack of 10. We also purchased hot dog buns, which come in a package of 8. I know this has got to be a conspiracy on the part of the hot dog and hot dog bun companies, the likes of which we have never seen before, purpose unknown. If I were obsessive-compulsive, I would have to buy four packs of hot dogs and five packages of buns to have an even amount of each. Maybe that is the demographic the conspiracy is gunning for.

My Heavy Metal White Whale

As a DirecTV customer, I get all of those wonderful music stations. It used to be XM Radio stations, but now it has changed to Sonic Tap. Whatever. The heavy metal station is called SPIKE. It is very similar to LiquidMetal.

I keep hearing this song by a band named LD/50 called "Ascension". It is exactly the kind of metal I am into right now. It is supposedly from their self-titled album. However, I cannot find out anything about this band on the internet. No albums listed on Amazon, and the only Myspace Music page for a band called LD50 is for some Latin Electronica band. When I search for LD/50 on Wikipedia, it assumes I am looking for information on the band Mudvayne, who had an album with that title, back when they were dressing up in costumes/makeup ala Slipknot/Mushroomhead/ICP.

So I feel like I am looking for a needle in a haystack. We take for granted that we hear a song on the radio, or the television, and we say "Hey, I can just look them up on the web!" I am not sure why I can't find any info on LD/50, but I hope I find it soon, because I want that album!

My Secret Weapon

To call me an amateur golfer would be a major misnomer. The word "amateur" implies that a person is really good at something (in this case, golf) and has the potential to become a professional at it. I prefer to refer to myself as a golf "hobbyist", which indicates that golfing is something I enjoy doing but am not necessarily good at it. Heck, I only golf about two or three times a year, four if I'm lucky. It's not like I am loaded with money and can afford expensive equipment and personal lessons. I am mostly self-taught via Golf Magazine and golf tip videos on YouTube. Thankfully, I have a neighbor, Keith, who played team golf in High School and continues to play to this day. He has given me tips as well that have been helpful.

Yesterday, Keith and I met up with a couple other guys, both named Brian, at the Lexington Country Club to play a round on their beautiful golf course. I had never played this course before, so my expectations in terms of how I would play were even lower than for the Vista Links course in Buena Vista, where I normally play. As expected, I did not do well. I shot a round of 137. I got smoked by the three other guys in our foursome. I just couldn't get my driver to work, which I always considered to be one of my strengths, if I have any. My putting wasn't half bad. I was able to two-putt most greens. But what good is that if it took you 8 or 9 shots to get on the green in the first place.

On most holes, I shot a 7 or 8. On some tougher holes, however, I shot a 10 or 11. I was getting frustrated. I think I threw my 9-iron down in anger at one point. I don't know why I have such high expectations of myself, given my severe lack of formal golf training. I guess I am just a competitive person. Or maybe it was the fact that I hadn't met the Brians before Sunday, and was embarrassed by my play compared to theirs. Normally, I play with my friend Andy, and he and I are at the same skill level. So it doesn't matter how bad we play because we both play poorly. Whatever it was, I was starting to not enjoy my day. Then, of course, it started raining. From the 15th hole on, we had intermittent rain showers. On one hand, nothing is worse than golfing in a downpour. On the other hand, it was a great respite from the scorching sun and heat. But for me, the rain was reinforcing the negativity I had brewing inside me. And then, the strangest thing happened.

We tee up on the Par-4 16th hole. I, of course, was the last one to tee off, since I always had the worst score on the previous hole. So I tee up, and somehow hit a perfect tee shot that starts off down the center of the fairway and curves right and lands safely on the right side of the fairway. I think to myself "That's the best drive I have had all day." Keith and I approach my ball on the fairway. I probably have about 200 yards or so to the green. Before I go on, let me go off on a slight tangent. The one club in my bag, besides my putter, that was working for me was my
5-Hybrid club. It became my weapon of choice for long approach shots. If I had my
5h in hand, I knew I could knock the hell out of the ball, and that the ball would land close enough to the green to do a decent pitch shot.

So when I approached my ball on the 16th fairway, I had no doubt what club I was going to select for my approach shot. I grab my 5h out of the bag and I line my shot up. Given my previous experiences, I was going to be happy to land the ball near the front of the green. I take my swing, and as I track my ball, I think to myself "That is the best swing I have taken all day with that club." Sure enough, the ball bounced in the rough in front of the green. But it didn't stop there. It proceeded to bounce up onto the green and slowed down immensely. When it finally rested, it was 15 feet to the left of the flag stick. I was on the green in 2 shots!!! That NEVER happens!!!

After Keith and Brian-squared make their shots, we proceed onto the green. It hits me that I have an opportunity to make birdie! Moreover, it hits the other guys that I have that chance. Keith makes an off-handed that the Brian with whom he works (who lives in Ohio, and dates a stripper from Roanoke) will buy me a case of beer if I make the birdie putt. Brian agrees to do so. I didn't expect I would make that putt, because it was just a bit outside of my putting comfort zone. But I make my read on the putt and surmise that there will be a slight break to the right. I line up to make my putt. This is when the golf gods truly smiled upon me. I had the right speed, and the correct read. We watched as my putt traveled 15 feet and went right in the center of the hole. I had made my first birdie EVER!!! You know how people say "Act like you've been there before"? That statement was lost on me yesterday, cuz guess what? I had never birdied a hole before. Hell, I had never parred a hole before! The other guys were excited for me as well, seeing as they had watched me hack my way around the previous 15 holes. Ohio Brian confirmed that he was going to have to buy me a case of beer.

After that, I resumed my usual level of play, getting a 7 and an 8 on the final two holes, respectively. But my experience on the 16th got me thinking: People stick with golf because when they first start off, those rare instances where they make a great shot, or series of shots, keep them thinking "Hey, I can do this!". The feelings of embarrassment, frustration, and golf inadequacy gave way to pride, happiness and the repetitious thought "Man, I love golf!". Keith had been telling me all afternoon that we were just out here to have fun. I found myself losing sight of that before the 16th hole. Nothing like your first birdie to remind you golf is fun! What's even better is that, even though I had the worst round, by far, I was the only person in our group who had a birdie the whole round.

So I look forward to my next round of golf, and more birdies. Now that I know that my 5-Hybrid is my secret weapon, I might be able to get more birdies!