Week 2 Record: 8-8
Skippy: Hide your dogs! The Michael Vick Era has officially begun in Philadelphia. Andy Reid is the most indecisive person I have seen since Rebecca Spurling, my Borderline Personality-Disordered ex-girlfriend from 1995. He went from saying on Monday that Kevin Kolb was still the starter to Tuesday, when he reversed course and made Vick the starter, for the rest of the season! What do you think about that, Cluckers?
Cluckers: Baa-kawwwwk! Wait! You dated a girl who had a personality disorder? What a shocker!
S: Yeah, that was back in the days when I just dated any girl who would give me the time of day. I had such low standards back then, I suppose.
C: Hahhahaha! I’d say! Were any of them Perkins waitresses?
S: Umm, no. My standards weren’t THAT low! Anyways, can we get back to the NFL, please?
C: Whatever, dude. Why do we bother picking these games? It doesn’t even look like anyone actually reads your piddly-ass blog, and correctly picking only 50% of the games isn’t going to help your cause. It’s not like there are any degenerate gamblers basing their wagers on a blog called Staring Off Into Space!
S: If that’s your attitude, Cluckers, then why are you even bothering showing up to help me make picks?
C: Cuz, tonight is my Tequila night, but the ABC store ran out of Two Fingers.
S: So you won’t be drinking tonight? Yay!
C: No, I will be drinking. I just moved up Irish Car Bomb night.
(Cluckers promptly pours himself a half-pint of Guiness, drops in a shot of Bailey’s and chugs. This is repeated 5 times in two minutes.)
S: You are the Champion of all that is related to Alcohol Poisoning.
C: Bottoms up! (Promptly vomits). Hey, I get a mulligan!
S: Can we start picking Week 3 games now?
C: (Another car bomb) Sure, why the fuck not?
Titans at Giants
Skippy: Seems like the Titans go through a QB controversy every season. Jeff Fisher changed QB on Sunday quicker than Lindsey Lohan can fail a drug test. To be fair to Vince Young, though, the Steelers' defense is scary good. They forced 7 turnovers. The Giants have had one great game and one awful game so far. So they are still a mystery, although the game in which they looked horrible was against Peyton Manning. Pick: Giants.
Cluckers: There you go kissing Peyton Manning's ass again! For that, I'm going to pick the opposite team from what you pick! What the hell is with Peyton and Eli doing interviews on ESPN in front of a HUGE DirecTV logo? Pick: Titans
Skippy: If you pick the teams I don't pick, it's gonna be a long Sunday for you!
Cluckers: Hey, the longer the better! That means I can suck more Miller Lite Home Drafts dry!
Skippy: Always looking at the bright side, huh?
Steelers at Buccaneers
Skippy: Pittsburgh's defense has been absolutely stifling. The Bucs are 2-0, but primarily because they have beaten Cleveland and Carolina. Playing the Steelers is a whole different beast. However, Pittsburgh has fourth-string QB Charlie Batch in the lineup due to injuries to Dennis Dixon and Byron Leftwich and Ben Roethlisberger's drunken Libido. Not much offense in this one. Pick: Steelers
Cluckers: I saw an emo kid dressed up in a pirate bear outfit at a Bucs game once. Do you know anything about that, Skippy? Pick: Bucs
Skippy: Umm, err, ahem. Not really.
Cluckers: Why do I feel like you are hiding something from me?
Skippy: Speaking of hiding, why did I find a bottle of Popov Vodka under a loose floorboard in your coop?
Cluckers: Umm, err, ahem. FUCK YOU!
Bengals at Panthers
Skippy: So maybe the Bengals aren't that bad after all. I thought the Ravens would go apeshit on them. The Panthers have decided to initiate the Jimmy Clausen Experiment now. Good luck kid! You're gonna need a lot of it this season. Pick: Bengals
Cluckers: I love me a good cat fight! Pick: Panthers.
Skippy: What a retarded comment-and pick.
Browns at Ravens
Skippy: Joe Flacco played like he was still a rookie, throwing 4 picks against the Bengals. Hmmm, Cleveland's inept offense versus Baltimore's defense. Who do I choose? (bangs head on desk). Pick: Ravens.
Cluckers: Baaaaaaawwwwk! Fighting the urge to be a hypocrite by choosing same team as Skippy. Urge resisted. Pick: Browns.
Skippy: The Browns? You are killing me with this "pick the opposite team as Skippy" philosophy.
Cowboys at Texans
Skippy: I find it hilarious that the Cowboys are 0-2 after all that talk about going to the Super Bowl in their home stadium. Guess they forgot they have to play a few games first. Bum's son apparently has practices that are too relaxed. Meanwhile, the Texans are flying high after their comeback win against my Redskins (sigh). Too bad they can't defend the pass! Manning and McNabb have thrown for 434 and 426 yards respectively against the Texans. They may want to address that issue. Pick: Texans.
Cluckers: You just bashed the Texans defense and then picked them to win? What kind of stunt are you trying to pull? Pick: Cowboys.
Skippy: I'm an enigma.
49ers at Chiefs
Skippy: No 2-0 team is more surprising than the Chiefs. They are playing hard in every aspect of the game. Though I doubt they will make the playoffs this year, they will be competitive in most games. The 49ers have to recover from a heartbreaking home loss to the Saints. They played a hell of a lot better than they did against Seattle, and that means something. But this is a hard game to pick. I will go with the home team here. Pick: Chiefs.
Cluckers: There you go with that "home team" shit again. Why don't you drink a six-pack of Mickey's, grow some stones and pick the more talented team? Pick: 49ers.
Skippy: I think I did. The Chiefs have some young guys who are making an impact. They have won their first two games despite the fact that Matt Cassel looks like a below-average QB.
Lions at Vikings
Skippy: The Lions are heading in the right direction. They now have one of the best defensive lines because of Suh and Vanden Bosch. Jahvid Best is an early Offensive Rookie of the Year candidate. The Vikings Offense still hasn't gotten on track yet due to ongoing lack of chemistry between Brett Favre and the Wide Receivers. But Favre has always had great success against Detroit, and the Vikes don't want to dig themselves into a 0-3 hole. That would seriously hamper their playoff chances. Pick: Vikings.
Cluckers: Wait a minute! The Lions don't want to dig themselves in an 0-3 hole either. What about their playoff chances? Pick: Lions.
Skippy (in Jim Mora's tone of voice): Are you kidding me? Playoffs? Playoffs?? Are you serious? Playoffs???
Bills at Patriots
Skippy: I will make this short again. Patriots will recover from their loss very easily knowing that the Bills are coming to town. Pick: Patriots.
Cluckers: Tom Brady's pretty boy hair will get in his eyes and he will throw five picks. Pick: Bills.
Skippy: That doesn't even make sense Cluckers! In addition to being full of PBR, you are full of shit!
Cluckers: You should know a thing or two about that.
Skippy: I'm going to forget you said that and say it was just one of your drunken ramblings.
Cluckers: Whatever helps you sleep tonight.
Falcons at Saints
Skippy: The Saints offense isn't looking quite as prolific this year as it was last year. But, they still manage to win games, even with the big target on their back. However, losing Reggie Bush's versatility is not going to help. Pierre Thomas will need to step it up a bit. The Falcons looked dominant in their 41-7 waxing of the Cardinals. Of course, a lot of teams will look dominant against the Cards this season. Pick: Saints.
Cluckers: I can't believe Drew Brees still hasn't gotten that thing on his face looked at! I mean, when he was getting his shoulder surgically repaired, why didn't he tell the doctor "Hey, while you're at it, could you lance my face thing off?" Pick: Falcons.
Skippy: Again with the Drew Brees thing? Is that the only comments you are gonna make about the Saints this season?
Cluckers: Probably so.
Skippy: I dare you to say those things to Drew Brees' face.
Cluckers: You mean his face thing?
Skippy (shakes head): Nevermind.
Redskins at Rams
I'm worried about the Washington DeAngelo Halls...I mean Redskins. They had the game against the Texans wrapped up. But the defense that looked so good against Dallas looked horrendous in the last quarter and a half against Houston. The Rams have played two close games against the Cards and Raiders, two fellow bottomfeeders, and lost both. It's gonna be quite some time before the Rams are relevant again. Pick: Redskins.
Cluckers: The future is now! All hail the Rams! Pick: Rams.
(Skippy throws up in his mouth a little bit)
Eagles at Jaguars
Skippy: So now that Andy Reid's lips are firmly attached to Michael Vick's dog-killing ass, it will be interested to see what happens to Kevin Kolb. He's got to feel like the guy whose girlfriend dumps him the night before prom. The Jags got toasted by the Chargers, and are another team the jury is still out on. The whole country will get to see Vick run rough-shod over the Jags, except for people in Jacksonville, where the game will be blacked out because they couldn't sellout the game. What did the Jags' owner expect? You have an NFL team in JACKSONVILLE! Pick: Eagles.
Cluckers: Did you just say "blacked out"? That's what happened to me last week. Seriously, I don't remember making those picks last week. Pick: Jaguars.
Skippy: You remember having sex with a rooster?
Cluckers: No, that didn't happen. You are playing a joke on me!
Skippy: Whatever helps YOU sleep tonight.
Raiders at Cardinals
Skippy: Oh God! This is the matchup from hell. Both teams had a close win and a blowout loss. Both teams' close win was against the Rams. Bruce Gradkowski gets the start for the Raiders and should give them a spark. Pick: Raiders.
Cluckers: Since both teams are bad, I am going with the team with the bird on their helmet. Pick: Cardinals.
Skippy: Woah woah woah! Wait, you criticize me for picking the winner in some games based on who is the home team, and then you pull some shit out of your ass about a bird on the helmet? What's that about?
Cluckers (with a bottle of whiskey in one hand/wing, stumbling and slurring his speech): Hey, buddyyy. You don't jjjjjudge me, you ssssssssissified moron. I got more N N N NFL knowledge in my bbbbbbeak then you do in your entire body.
Skippy: Okay then! You finished?
Cluckers: Nope. (Takes one final swig from the bottle) Now I'm finished! Hehehehehe!
Skippy: Moving on.
Chargers at Seahawks
Skippy: I'll be honest. I don't really give a crap about this game. I don't know why, either. It just doesn't interest me. But if Seattle wins, they may start wishing they were back in the AFC West. Pick: Chargers.
Cluckers: You know who my favorite non-athlete of all time is? Dave Krieg. Pick: Seahawks.
Colts at Broncos
Skippy: I'm hoping that last week's win against the Giants means the Colts are back on track. Bob Sanders being out is a big blow to the defense though. The Broncos don't have much of a running game going. Knowshon Moreno isn't really working out, and they brought in Lawrence Maroney from the Patriots to see if he can give them a boost. Yeah, getting a fourth-string running back from another team will shore up your running attack! Pick: Colts.
Cluckers: What, you have no faith in Josh McDaniels as a coach? Where's the love? Pick: Broncos.
Jets at Dolphins
Skippy: You'll appreciate this, Cluckers. So Braylon Edwards got himself a DUI arrest this week. He was pulled over police because his driving was about as erratic as his ball-catching skills. So he won't be starting the game against Miami. And what's with the beard, Braylon? The whole Kimbo Slice thing doesn't look good on you! The Dophins are 2-0, but not because of their offense. This will be a defensive battle, a low-scoring affair. Right up Miami's alley. Pick: Dolphins.
Cluckers: Still not buying into the dynasty to be that is the Jets, huh? Pick: Jets.
Skippy: No, I'm not. If they can play at a high level every week, I might change my mind.
Packers at Bears
Skippy: So Jay Cutler is looking pretty sharp early in the season. 5 TD passes, only one INT. Not bad. They look like a playoff team. The Bears may be good, but the Packers are still better, in all aspects. But it should be a good game. Pick: Packers.
Cluckers: Da Bears Da Bears da bears da bears da bears. Pick: Bears.
Skippy: You want some cheese fries with that poor imitation of that SNL Skit?
Cluckers: Let's see you do better!
Skippy: Well, I think you are gonna get crushed this week with your picks. I mean, I at least did a little bit of research in making my picks. You just picked the opposite team from me. What's the strategy in that?
Cluckers: Who put the cheese ball up in the window sill?
Skippy: What the...???
Clucker: I said, who put the cheese ball up in the window sill.
Skippy: Oh I see. You are going into an alcohol-induced psychosis. Good luck with that. See you next week!
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