Well, Week One of the NFL season is in the books! My Redskins got an exciting win against a penalty-prone Dallas Cowboys squad that kept shooting themselves in the foot every chance they got. I laughed uncontrollably at the last play of the first half. What a bone-headed play by the Cowboys, all around. Yeah, let’s just fumble with 3 seconds to play in the half and give the Skins an easy TD! Hey, we will take a win any way we can get it. It’s going to take some time for Donovan McNabb to adjust to the new offense, so our defense needs to be stout as hell! I can see the Redskins being competitive in most games this year, maybe even making the playoffs. But it is a long season, and a lot can and will happen over the next four months. So I am trying to keep my excitement contained because I know this team’s recent history. They will play a great game one week and lay an egg the next.
Speaking of which, I am going to try to post weekly predictions for the NFL games in the upcoming week. I didn’t get around to doing it for Week One because I was just too busy. But I don’t want to predict these games alone. That’s why I am enlisting the help of someone I met in Rockbridge County. When I worked at Rockbridge CSB, I would always see this guy wobbling across Greenhouse Road, seemingly oblivious to oncoming traffic. I would like to formally introduce you to Cluckers, the Alcoholic Chicken!
Skippy: Hey Cluckers! How are you?
Cluckers: Bawwwk! Pretty damn wasted, dude! I just downed four tallboys in a two-hour period! And now some Crisis Clinician wants to send me to detox in Lynchburg! What the heck? Crisis Clinicians are such douche bags!
S: That’s funny, cuz I just sent a guy to a crisis unit who was drunk and has a history of cutting the heads off chickens in a drunken rage!
C: Bawwwwwk!! What the fuck, man? Why would you try to mess with my head like that? Is that what you do for a living?
S: Yeah, I am a crisis counselor, like the guy who wants to send you to detox!
C: Oh, really? Awkward!
S: I wasn’t offended. I never get offended at things alcoholics say when they are drunk.
C: WTF? I am not an alcoholic, Skippy! I just use alcohol to self-medicate!
S: (rolls his eyes) Ohhh, okay! Wink wink. Cluckers, I have a question for you?
C: Go ahead, TDO king!
S: Are you sure you are a real chicken and not just some emo kid dressed up in a chicken costume?
C: What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I’m a real chicken! You must have a demented mind to come up with that shit?
S: Sorry, it’s just that I have been similarly fooled before.
C: How so?
S: Long story.
C: You crisis clinicians must all be freaks!
S: Pretty much! Notice I didn’t question the fact that I am conversing with a chicken who talks! So, are you ready to predict winners for Week Two?
C: Let me chug this last 40 of OE and smoke a Black and Mild while we do this. Bawwwwwk!
S: Whatever gets you through!
Steelers @ Titans
Skippy: So the Steelers survived Week One without Ben Roethlisberger. If only Big Ben could have kept Little Ben in his pants, Steeler Nation wouldn’t have to sweat it out the next four weeks. Tennessee looked very impressive against the Raiders. Wait, everyone looks impressive against the Raiders. So, not a great measuring stick. The Steelers still have one of the best defenses around. Meanwhile, the Titans have Chris Johnson, who rushed for over 2,000 yards last season and shows no signs of slowing down. This is probably the toughest game for me to pick, but I give the edge to the Titans, who also have a stout defense. Pick: Titans
Cluckers: Bawwwwk! Never root against Troy Polamalu’s $1 Million hair! Pick: Steelers.
Skippy: Cluckers, you don’t seem to be taking this very seriously. I mean, the Steelers could be a good pick, but don’t you want to justify that pick with something better than Troy Polamalu’s mane?
Cluckers: Dude, I am drunk as hell right now. I carry a baseline BAC of .47. Let me do this my way!
Skippy: Fine, whatever.
Dolphins @ Vikings
Skippy: Finding highlights of the Dolphins-Bills game on ESPN this week was like trying to spot Bigfoot. That’s probably because the Dolphins’ victory was a snoozer. Based solely on the score, 15-10, Miami’s offense is probably in trouble. They should have blown out the hapless Bills. As for the Vikings, who lost to the Saints last Thursday night, it is clear that Brett Favre does not trust his receivers yet. With Sidney Rice out, Percy Harvin should be Brett’s go to guy. But Harvin is cutting routes short and is not on the same page with Favre. Adrian Peterson is still one of the best running backs in the game, and he made strides in the offseason to reduce his fumbles. I have to give the edge to the Vikings in this one, if only due to lack of visual evidence about the Dolphins. Pick: Vikings
Cluckers: You know that guy who dresses like a Viking in the endzone at Viking home games? I bet you he has been known to pound down a few pints of Stella Artois before games! Pick: Vikings.
Skippy: (shakes head) It’s gonna be a long season.
Cardinals @ Falcons
Skippy: The Cardinals barely beat the Rams, who, for the last four years, have had one of the top two picks in the NFL draft, they have been so bad. Without Kurt Warner at QB, the Cardinals will return to their losing ways. They will be lucky to win 6 or 7 games this year. Meanwhile, the Falcons couldn’t get their running game going against the Steelers, but to be fair, the Steelers have a great run defense. Matt Ryan also seems to be regressing a bit. But I still think the Falcons are the better team here. Pick: Falcons.
Cluckers: The last time I witnessed two sets of birds duke it out was in a rundown warehouse in Southern Mexico. Pick: Cardinals.
Skippy: When were you in Mexico?
Cluckers: Long story.
Ravens @ Bengals
Skippy: Prediction: the Bengals will not go 6-0 in their division, like last year. Why? When was the last time Cincy put two back to back winning seasons together? Probably the days of Boomer Esiason. The Bengal defense was absolutely porous in their loss to the Patriots. The Ravens are serious Super Bowl contenders with that defense, and now Joe Flacco has some receivers to throw to. Factor in Ray Rice, who is going to be a superstar running back, and they have the formula for success this year. The Bengals are not the team they were last year, and T.O. just adds more distraction to the already circuslike atmosphere that comes with Chad Ochocinco. Pick: Ravens
Cluckers: Owens and Ochocinco will leave for the locker room with five minutes left in the first half so they can be “looked at”. Pick: Ravens.
Skippy: I have to admit, that was actually pretty funny, Cluckers!
Cluckers: Ba-kaawwwwk! Thanks, jerk off!
Skippy: WTF?
Chiefs @ Browns
Skippy: It’s good to know that I was right when I said Jake Delhomme will be just as bad in Cleveland as he was in Carolina. His two INTs against the Bucs proves that he is a has been, and probably is actually a never was! The Chiefs showed some promise in their win over the Chargers, with young talent on both sides of the ball. I could see them winning 7 or 8 games this year. Pick: Chiefs.
Cluckers: I have now switched to tequila. Of course, I ate the worm. Pick: Chiefs.
Skippy: Man, you should work for ESPN!
Bears @ Cowboys
Skippy: The Bears should have lost to the Lions if not for the controversial call that rendered Calvin Williams touchdown an incomplete pass. That was a TD in my eyes and the Lions should have had that game. The Cowboys did everything they had to do to lose to my Redskins. 12 penalties for 91 yards, including a holding penalty on Alex Barron ensured the Redskins victory. Still, the Dallas defense kept the Skins’ offense in check most of the night. The Cowboys probably won’t have nearly as many penalties this week as they did on Sunday. Pick: Cowboys
Cluckers: I was waiting for Albert Haynesworth to stomp on Andre Gurode’s head again. Didn’t happen. Pick: Cowboys
Skippy: That’s because Haynesworth didn’t play much because he is pretty much a $100 million backup.
Eagles @ Lions
Skippy: Well, the Kevin Kolb era came to an abrupt halt now didn’t it? After leaving the game with a concussion, Michael Vick took over and almost led the Eagles to victory. No matter what your personal feelings toward Vick are, he still brings something to the football field that most teams find hard to defend. He looked like a better passer than I remember him being. Maybe he has matured, at least on the field. Off the field, who knows. Someone got shot at his 30th birthday. The Lions have to recover from a tough loss to the Bears, and their defense seems improved. The addition of Suh (not gonna try to spell his first name) and Vanden Bosch seems to have helped that side of the ball. And the Lions will be hungry for a win after having one snatched away from them last week. But it won’t be enough. Pick: Eagles.
Cluckers: So does this mean Vick will get his starting job back and then start another dogfighting enterprise?
Skippy: No, this time it will be cockfighting.
Cluckers: Low blow, dude! I need another 40 after that comment.
Skippy: You were gonna get another 40 either way, you beer bibber!
Cluckers: True dat, homey!
Bills @ Packers
Skippy: This will be short. The Bills suck, the Packers don’t. Pick: Packers
Cluckers: Have the Bills been moved to Toronto yet? Pick: Packers
Buccaneers @ Panthers
Skippy: This one is a toss up. Though they lost to the Giants, the Panthers intercepted Eli Manning three times. But their defense isn’t what it used to be. Josh Freeman showed some promise for the Bucs, but of course, that was against the Browns. I’ll go with the home team here. Pick: Panthers.
Cluckers: That’s typical. Use the old “Root for the home team” approach. Grow a pair, Skippy! Pick: Bucs.
Skippy: Hey, it’s only the second game of the season. It takes a few weeks to get an idea of how good or bad a team is going to be. Cut me some slack. On the other hand, it only took me a few seconds to figure out that you are the coop drunk!
Cluckers: Hey, I represent that remark!
Seahawks @ Broncos
Skippy: My question about the Seahawks from Sunday is “Are they that good, or are the 49ers that bad?” The answer is probably somewhere in the middle. The NFC West is full of mediocre or worse teams this year, so anything can happen. The Broncos lost to Jacksonville, who is the fourth best team in the AFC South. So for me, choosing the winner here is a crapshoot. So I think I’ll go with the better QB. Pick: Seahawks.
Cluckers: Tim Tebow is the man! He is going to lead the Broncos to glory! Pick: Broncos.
Skippy: Cluckers, did you happen to snort any of Dippy’s cocaine?
Cluckers: Who the fuck is Dippy?
Skippy: I will tell you later. Do you listen to Avenged Sevenfold, by chance?
Cluckers: Yeah man!
Skippy: That explains a lot, actually.
Rams @ Raiders
Skippy: I just now realized that the weakest division in the NFC (West) is playing the weakest division in the AFC (also the West!). Raider nation will be in full force, and the coliseum will look like some acid-infused biker rally, as usual. I liked Jason Campbell when he was a Redskin, and feel like he never had the chance to excel because he had a new offensive coordinator every year. He brings stability to the Raiders’ QB position, replacing Jamarcus Russell (aka, Stay-Puft). The Rams are rebuilding with rookie QB Sam Bradford, a process that will take some years, because the Rams need to seriously upgrade their offensive line. Pick: Raiders.
Cluckers: You wanna see alcoholics. Raiders fans are some hardcore alcoholics! I got nothing on them. My problems aren’t nearly as bad as theirs. I mean, they continue to go to games for a team that hasn’t been in the same ballpark as relevant for years. Pick: Raiders.
Skippy: Wait, you just bashed the Raiders, but are picking them to win? That’s messed up.
Cluckers: They’re playing the Rams, Skippy.
Skippy: Good point.
Texans @ Redskins
Skippy: So the Texans FINALLY beat the Colts. Arian Foster, who I never heard of until Sunday, ran for 231 yards against a suspect Colts run defense. BUT, they still gave up 434 passing yards, so their defense is still not great. The Skins defense, on the other hand, is shaping up to be one of the best in the league, even without the cancer that is Albert Haynesworth on the field every play. The Skins offense is still a work in progress though. So here we have a great Texans offense versus a great Skins defense. Pick: Redskins.
Cluckers: I’m going with the Texans solely because I knew you were going to pick your favorite team in this one. Pick: Texans.
Skippy: You and Rob Dibble are too much alike. You are both drunks, and you both don’t know when to shut up. I can axe you like the Nats did to Dibble if you like.
Cluckers: Never say the word “axe” to a chicken!
Skippy: Axe, axe, axe!
Patriots @ Jets
Skippy: I really haven’t bought into all the hype surrounding the Jets in the offseason. They were a trendy Super Bowl pick, and I don’t know why. Sure they have a great defense, and their running game was number one in the league last year. But the NFL has become a more pass-happy entity, and in that realm the Jets are lacking. Second-year QB Mark Sanchez has a lot of improving to do before the Jets become a legit Super Bowl contender. The Patriots, on the other hand, have plenty of experience on their roster, starting with Tom Brady. In addition, Rex Ryan has talked a lot of smack about the Patriots in the offseason, and the Patriots have long memories. Pick: Patriots.
Cluckers: I’ve been drinking the Jets’ Kool-Aid all summer. Sure, I’ve been adding vodka and rum to it, but I’ve been drinking it! Pick: Jets.
Skippy: Leave it to a drunk chicken to let others dictate what he believes!
Cluckers: Palin in 2012!
Skippy: Back to Detox!
Jaguars @ Chargers
Skippy:The Chargers have begun their annual tradition of starting the season slow. They never do very well in September for whatever reason. This year they are at even more of a disadvantage because the only receiving threat they have is Antonio Gates. They can only hope that rookie RB Ryan Matthews is the next great Chargers tailback. But I think they have enough firepower to get past the Jags this week. Pick: Chargers
Cluckers: I picked David Garrard for my fantasy team. Pick: Jaguars
Skippy: This keeps getting better and better.
Giants @ Colts
Manning Bowl II! The Colts just lost to the Texans, and I know they don’t want to start the season 0-2. Eli threw 3 INTs against the Panthers. Though I don’t think that’s a sign of things to come, the Giants need to run the ball consistently this week to keep Peyton off the field. That means getting the overrated Ahmad Bradshaw and the disgruntled Brandon Jacobs to share the ball. Hopefully the Colts’ run defense got a wake-up call after the loss to the Texans. Pick: Colts.
Cluckers (speech slurred almost beyond comprehension): You been ssssslurping Peyton Manning’sss asssss for years. Of course you picked the Colts, you sssssspineless imp! Pick: Giants.
Skippy: Seriously, Cluckers. Rob Dibble, man, Rob Dibble.
Saints @ 49ers
Despite the fact that they are the defending Super Bowl Champions, the Saints have a relatively easy schedule. They already passed one of the harder tests they will face by beating the Vikings, in a surprisingly defense-laden battle. I expect Drew Brees and the rest of the Saints offense will be firing on all cylinders this week. Don’t know what to say about the Niners. Was their loss to Seattle an aberration or a sign of a long season to come? Pick: Saints.
Cluckers: Sssssseriously, what is that thing on Drew Brees’ face? Pick: Saints.
Skippy: That was rude, Cluckers!
Cluckers: You think I worrrrrry about being polite?
Skippy: Probably not. Well, I think we need to work on our chemistry a bit,
Cluckers. Speaking of which, I think your brain chemistry is out of whack. You should really get psychiatrically evaluated.
Cluckers: You need to be pssssychiatrically valuated!
Skippy: Great comeback. See you next week.
Cluckers: Seriously, Brees should get that thing checked out. It could be cancerous or ssssomething. Ba-Kawwwk! Hiccup!
Skippy: Dear God, what did I get myself into?
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