Week 3 NFL Picks: Braylon's Alcoholic Beard Edition

Week 2 Record: 8-8

Skippy: Hide your dogs! The Michael Vick Era has officially begun in Philadelphia. Andy Reid is the most indecisive person I have seen since Rebecca Spurling, my Borderline Personality-Disordered ex-girlfriend from 1995. He went from saying on Monday that Kevin Kolb was still the starter to Tuesday, when he reversed course and made Vick the starter, for the rest of the season! What do you think about that, Cluckers?

Cluckers: Baa-kawwwwk! Wait! You dated a girl who had a personality disorder? What a shocker!

S: Yeah, that was back in the days when I just dated any girl who would give me the time of day. I had such low standards back then, I suppose.

C: Hahhahaha! I’d say! Were any of them Perkins waitresses?

S: Umm, no. My standards weren’t THAT low! Anyways, can we get back to the NFL, please?

C: Whatever, dude. Why do we bother picking these games? It doesn’t even look like anyone actually reads your piddly-ass blog, and correctly picking only 50% of the games isn’t going to help your cause. It’s not like there are any degenerate gamblers basing their wagers on a blog called Staring Off Into Space!

S: If that’s your attitude, Cluckers, then why are you even bothering showing up to help me make picks?

C: Cuz, tonight is my Tequila night, but the ABC store ran out of Two Fingers.

S: So you won’t be drinking tonight? Yay!

C: No, I will be drinking. I just moved up Irish Car Bomb night.
(Cluckers promptly pours himself a half-pint of Guiness, drops in a shot of Bailey’s and chugs. This is repeated 5 times in two minutes.)

S: You are the Champion of all that is related to Alcohol Poisoning.

C: Bottoms up! (Promptly vomits). Hey, I get a mulligan!

S: Can we start picking Week 3 games now?

C: (Another car bomb) Sure, why the fuck not?

Titans at Giants

Skippy: Seems like the Titans go through a QB controversy every season. Jeff Fisher changed QB on Sunday quicker than Lindsey Lohan can fail a drug test. To be fair to Vince Young, though, the Steelers' defense is scary good. They forced 7 turnovers. The Giants have had one great game and one awful game so far. So they are still a mystery, although the game in which they looked horrible was against Peyton Manning. Pick: Giants.

Cluckers: There you go kissing Peyton Manning's ass again! For that, I'm going to pick the opposite team from what you pick! What the hell is with Peyton and Eli doing interviews on ESPN in front of a HUGE DirecTV logo? Pick: Titans

Skippy: If you pick the teams I don't pick, it's gonna be a long Sunday for you!

Cluckers: Hey, the longer the better! That means I can suck more Miller Lite Home Drafts dry!

Skippy: Always looking at the bright side, huh?

Steelers at Buccaneers

Skippy: Pittsburgh's defense has been absolutely stifling. The Bucs are 2-0, but primarily because they have beaten Cleveland and Carolina. Playing the Steelers is a whole different beast. However, Pittsburgh has fourth-string QB Charlie Batch in the lineup due to injuries to Dennis Dixon and Byron Leftwich and Ben Roethlisberger's drunken Libido. Not much offense in this one. Pick: Steelers

Cluckers: I saw an emo kid dressed up in a pirate bear outfit at a Bucs game once. Do you know anything about that, Skippy? Pick: Bucs

Skippy: Umm, err, ahem. Not really.

Cluckers: Why do I feel like you are hiding something from me?

Skippy: Speaking of hiding, why did I find a bottle of Popov Vodka under a loose floorboard in your coop?

Cluckers: Umm, err, ahem. FUCK YOU!

Bengals at Panthers

Skippy: So maybe the Bengals aren't that bad after all. I thought the Ravens would go apeshit on them. The Panthers have decided to initiate the Jimmy Clausen Experiment now. Good luck kid! You're gonna need a lot of it this season. Pick: Bengals

Cluckers: I love me a good cat fight! Pick: Panthers.

Skippy: What a retarded comment-and pick.

Browns at Ravens

Skippy: Joe Flacco played like he was still a rookie, throwing 4 picks against the Bengals. Hmmm, Cleveland's inept offense versus Baltimore's defense. Who do I choose? (bangs head on desk). Pick: Ravens.

Cluckers: Baaaaaaawwwwk! Fighting the urge to be a hypocrite by choosing same team as Skippy. Urge resisted. Pick: Browns.

Skippy: The Browns? You are killing me with this "pick the opposite team as Skippy" philosophy.

Cowboys at Texans

Skippy: I find it hilarious that the Cowboys are 0-2 after all that talk about going to the Super Bowl in their home stadium. Guess they forgot they have to play a few games first. Bum's son apparently has practices that are too relaxed. Meanwhile, the Texans are flying high after their comeback win against my Redskins (sigh). Too bad they can't defend the pass! Manning and McNabb have thrown for 434 and 426 yards respectively against the Texans. They may want to address that issue. Pick: Texans.

Cluckers: You just bashed the Texans defense and then picked them to win? What kind of stunt are you trying to pull? Pick: Cowboys.

Skippy: I'm an enigma.

49ers at Chiefs

Skippy: No 2-0 team is more surprising than the Chiefs. They are playing hard in every aspect of the game. Though I doubt they will make the playoffs this year, they will be competitive in most games. The 49ers have to recover from a heartbreaking home loss to the Saints. They played a hell of a lot better than they did against Seattle, and that means something. But this is a hard game to pick. I will go with the home team here. Pick: Chiefs.

Cluckers: There you go with that "home team" shit again. Why don't you drink a six-pack of Mickey's, grow some stones and pick the more talented team? Pick: 49ers.

Skippy: I think I did. The Chiefs have some young guys who are making an impact. They have won their first two games despite the fact that Matt Cassel looks like a below-average QB.

Lions at Vikings

Skippy: The Lions are heading in the right direction. They now have one of the best defensive lines because of Suh and Vanden Bosch. Jahvid Best is an early Offensive Rookie of the Year candidate. The Vikings Offense still hasn't gotten on track yet due to ongoing lack of chemistry between Brett Favre and the Wide Receivers. But Favre has always had great success against Detroit, and the Vikes don't want to dig themselves into a 0-3 hole. That would seriously hamper their playoff chances. Pick: Vikings.

Cluckers: Wait a minute! The Lions don't want to dig themselves in an 0-3 hole either. What about their playoff chances? Pick: Lions.

Skippy (in Jim Mora's tone of voice): Are you kidding me? Playoffs? Playoffs?? Are you serious? Playoffs???

Bills at Patriots

Skippy: I will make this short again. Patriots will recover from their loss very easily knowing that the Bills are coming to town. Pick: Patriots.

Cluckers: Tom Brady's pretty boy hair will get in his eyes and he will throw five picks. Pick: Bills.

Skippy: That doesn't even make sense Cluckers! In addition to being full of PBR, you are full of shit!

Cluckers: You should know a thing or two about that.

Skippy: I'm going to forget you said that and say it was just one of your drunken ramblings.

Cluckers: Whatever helps you sleep tonight.

Falcons at Saints

Skippy: The Saints offense isn't looking quite as prolific this year as it was last year. But, they still manage to win games, even with the big target on their back. However, losing Reggie Bush's versatility is not going to help. Pierre Thomas will need to step it up a bit. The Falcons looked dominant in their 41-7 waxing of the Cardinals. Of course, a lot of teams will look dominant against the Cards this season. Pick: Saints.

Cluckers: I can't believe Drew Brees still hasn't gotten that thing on his face looked at! I mean, when he was getting his shoulder surgically repaired, why didn't he tell the doctor "Hey, while you're at it, could you lance my face thing off?" Pick: Falcons.

Skippy: Again with the Drew Brees thing? Is that the only comments you are gonna make about the Saints this season?

Cluckers: Probably so.

Skippy: I dare you to say those things to Drew Brees' face.

Cluckers: You mean his face thing?

Skippy (shakes head): Nevermind.

Redskins at Rams

I'm worried about the Washington DeAngelo Halls...I mean Redskins. They had the game against the Texans wrapped up. But the defense that looked so good against Dallas looked horrendous in the last quarter and a half against Houston. The Rams have played two close games against the Cards and Raiders, two fellow bottomfeeders, and lost both. It's gonna be quite some time before the Rams are relevant again. Pick: Redskins.

Cluckers: The future is now! All hail the Rams! Pick: Rams.

(Skippy throws up in his mouth a little bit)

Eagles at Jaguars

Skippy: So now that Andy Reid's lips are firmly attached to Michael Vick's dog-killing ass, it will be interested to see what happens to Kevin Kolb. He's got to feel like the guy whose girlfriend dumps him the night before prom. The Jags got toasted by the Chargers, and are another team the jury is still out on. The whole country will get to see Vick run rough-shod over the Jags, except for people in Jacksonville, where the game will be blacked out because they couldn't sellout the game. What did the Jags' owner expect? You have an NFL team in JACKSONVILLE! Pick: Eagles.

Cluckers: Did you just say "blacked out"? That's what happened to me last week. Seriously, I don't remember making those picks last week. Pick: Jaguars.

Skippy: You remember having sex with a rooster?

Cluckers: No, that didn't happen. You are playing a joke on me!

Skippy: Whatever helps YOU sleep tonight.

Raiders at Cardinals

Skippy: Oh God! This is the matchup from hell. Both teams had a close win and a blowout loss. Both teams' close win was against the Rams. Bruce Gradkowski gets the start for the Raiders and should give them a spark. Pick: Raiders.

Cluckers: Since both teams are bad, I am going with the team with the bird on their helmet. Pick: Cardinals.

Skippy: Woah woah woah! Wait, you criticize me for picking the winner in some games based on who is the home team, and then you pull some shit out of your ass about a bird on the helmet? What's that about?

Cluckers (with a bottle of whiskey in one hand/wing, stumbling and slurring his speech): Hey, buddyyy. You don't jjjjjudge me, you ssssssssissified moron. I got more N N N NFL knowledge in my bbbbbbeak then you do in your entire body.

Skippy: Okay then! You finished?

Cluckers: Nope. (Takes one final swig from the bottle) Now I'm finished! Hehehehehe!

Skippy: Moving on.

Chargers at Seahawks

Skippy: I'll be honest. I don't really give a crap about this game. I don't know why, either. It just doesn't interest me. But if Seattle wins, they may start wishing they were back in the AFC West. Pick: Chargers.

Cluckers: You know who my favorite non-athlete of all time is? Dave Krieg. Pick: Seahawks.

Colts at Broncos

Skippy: I'm hoping that last week's win against the Giants means the Colts are back on track. Bob Sanders being out is a big blow to the defense though. The Broncos don't have much of a running game going. Knowshon Moreno isn't really working out, and they brought in Lawrence Maroney from the Patriots to see if he can give them a boost. Yeah, getting a fourth-string running back from another team will shore up your running attack! Pick: Colts.

Cluckers: What, you have no faith in Josh McDaniels as a coach? Where's the love? Pick: Broncos.

Jets at Dolphins

Skippy: You'll appreciate this, Cluckers. So Braylon Edwards got himself a DUI arrest this week. He was pulled over police because his driving was about as erratic as his ball-catching skills. So he won't be starting the game against Miami. And what's with the beard, Braylon? The whole Kimbo Slice thing doesn't look good on you! The Dophins are 2-0, but not because of their offense. This will be a defensive battle, a low-scoring affair. Right up Miami's alley. Pick: Dolphins.

Cluckers: Still not buying into the dynasty to be that is the Jets, huh? Pick: Jets.

Skippy: No, I'm not. If they can play at a high level every week, I might change my mind.

Packers at Bears

Skippy: So Jay Cutler is looking pretty sharp early in the season. 5 TD passes, only one INT. Not bad. They look like a playoff team. The Bears may be good, but the Packers are still better, in all aspects. But it should be a good game. Pick: Packers.

Cluckers: Da Bears Da Bears da bears da bears da bears. Pick: Bears.

Skippy: You want some cheese fries with that poor imitation of that SNL Skit?

Cluckers: Let's see you do better!

Skippy: Well, I think you are gonna get crushed this week with your picks. I mean, I at least did a little bit of research in making my picks. You just picked the opposite team from me. What's the strategy in that?

Cluckers: Who put the cheese ball up in the window sill?

Skippy: What the...???

Clucker: I said, who put the cheese ball up in the window sill.

Skippy: Oh I see. You are going into an alcohol-induced psychosis. Good luck with that. See you next week!

Skippy and Cluckers NFL week 2 Predictions (and addictions)

Well, Week One of the NFL season is in the books! My Redskins got an exciting win against a penalty-prone Dallas Cowboys squad that kept shooting themselves in the foot every chance they got. I laughed uncontrollably at the last play of the first half. What a bone-headed play by the Cowboys, all around. Yeah, let’s just fumble with 3 seconds to play in the half and give the Skins an easy TD! Hey, we will take a win any way we can get it. It’s going to take some time for Donovan McNabb to adjust to the new offense, so our defense needs to be stout as hell! I can see the Redskins being competitive in most games this year, maybe even making the playoffs. But it is a long season, and a lot can and will happen over the next four months. So I am trying to keep my excitement contained because I know this team’s recent history. They will play a great game one week and lay an egg the next.
Speaking of which, I am going to try to post weekly predictions for the NFL games in the upcoming week. I didn’t get around to doing it for Week One because I was just too busy. But I don’t want to predict these games alone. That’s why I am enlisting the help of someone I met in Rockbridge County. When I worked at Rockbridge CSB, I would always see this guy wobbling across Greenhouse Road, seemingly oblivious to oncoming traffic. I would like to formally introduce you to Cluckers, the Alcoholic Chicken!

Skippy: Hey Cluckers! How are you?
Cluckers: Bawwwk! Pretty damn wasted, dude! I just downed four tallboys in a two-hour period! And now some Crisis Clinician wants to send me to detox in Lynchburg! What the heck? Crisis Clinicians are such douche bags!
S: That’s funny, cuz I just sent a guy to a crisis unit who was drunk and has a history of cutting the heads off chickens in a drunken rage!
C: Bawwwwwk!! What the fuck, man? Why would you try to mess with my head like that? Is that what you do for a living?
S: Yeah, I am a crisis counselor, like the guy who wants to send you to detox!
C: Oh, really? Awkward!
S: I wasn’t offended. I never get offended at things alcoholics say when they are drunk.
C: WTF? I am not an alcoholic, Skippy! I just use alcohol to self-medicate!
S: (rolls his eyes) Ohhh, okay! Wink wink. Cluckers, I have a question for you?
C: Go ahead, TDO king!
S: Are you sure you are a real chicken and not just some emo kid dressed up in a chicken costume?
C: What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I’m a real chicken! You must have a demented mind to come up with that shit?
S: Sorry, it’s just that I have been similarly fooled before.
C: How so?
S: Long story.
C: You crisis clinicians must all be freaks!
S: Pretty much! Notice I didn’t question the fact that I am conversing with a chicken who talks! So, are you ready to predict winners for Week Two?
C: Let me chug this last 40 of OE and smoke a Black and Mild while we do this. Bawwwwwk!
S: Whatever gets you through!

Steelers @ Titans

Skippy: So the Steelers survived Week One without Ben Roethlisberger. If only Big Ben could have kept Little Ben in his pants, Steeler Nation wouldn’t have to sweat it out the next four weeks. Tennessee looked very impressive against the Raiders. Wait, everyone looks impressive against the Raiders. So, not a great measuring stick. The Steelers still have one of the best defenses around. Meanwhile, the Titans have Chris Johnson, who rushed for over 2,000 yards last season and shows no signs of slowing down. This is probably the toughest game for me to pick, but I give the edge to the Titans, who also have a stout defense. Pick: Titans

Cluckers: Bawwwwk! Never root against Troy Polamalu’s $1 Million hair! Pick: Steelers.

Skippy: Cluckers, you don’t seem to be taking this very seriously. I mean, the Steelers could be a good pick, but don’t you want to justify that pick with something better than Troy Polamalu’s mane?

Cluckers: Dude, I am drunk as hell right now. I carry a baseline BAC of .47. Let me do this my way!

Skippy: Fine, whatever.

Dolphins @ Vikings

Skippy: Finding highlights of the Dolphins-Bills game on ESPN this week was like trying to spot Bigfoot. That’s probably because the Dolphins’ victory was a snoozer. Based solely on the score, 15-10, Miami’s offense is probably in trouble. They should have blown out the hapless Bills. As for the Vikings, who lost to the Saints last Thursday night, it is clear that Brett Favre does not trust his receivers yet. With Sidney Rice out, Percy Harvin should be Brett’s go to guy. But Harvin is cutting routes short and is not on the same page with Favre. Adrian Peterson is still one of the best running backs in the game, and he made strides in the offseason to reduce his fumbles. I have to give the edge to the Vikings in this one, if only due to lack of visual evidence about the Dolphins. Pick: Vikings

Cluckers: You know that guy who dresses like a Viking in the endzone at Viking home games? I bet you he has been known to pound down a few pints of Stella Artois before games! Pick: Vikings.

Skippy: (shakes head) It’s gonna be a long season.

Cardinals @ Falcons

Skippy: The Cardinals barely beat the Rams, who, for the last four years, have had one of the top two picks in the NFL draft, they have been so bad. Without Kurt Warner at QB, the Cardinals will return to their losing ways. They will be lucky to win 6 or 7 games this year. Meanwhile, the Falcons couldn’t get their running game going against the Steelers, but to be fair, the Steelers have a great run defense. Matt Ryan also seems to be regressing a bit. But I still think the Falcons are the better team here. Pick: Falcons.

Cluckers: The last time I witnessed two sets of birds duke it out was in a rundown warehouse in Southern Mexico. Pick: Cardinals.

Skippy: When were you in Mexico?

Cluckers: Long story.

Ravens @ Bengals

Skippy: Prediction: the Bengals will not go 6-0 in their division, like last year. Why? When was the last time Cincy put two back to back winning seasons together? Probably the days of Boomer Esiason. The Bengal defense was absolutely porous in their loss to the Patriots. The Ravens are serious Super Bowl contenders with that defense, and now Joe Flacco has some receivers to throw to. Factor in Ray Rice, who is going to be a superstar running back, and they have the formula for success this year. The Bengals are not the team they were last year, and T.O. just adds more distraction to the already circuslike atmosphere that comes with Chad Ochocinco. Pick: Ravens

Cluckers: Owens and Ochocinco will leave for the locker room with five minutes left in the first half so they can be “looked at”. Pick: Ravens.

Skippy: I have to admit, that was actually pretty funny, Cluckers!

Cluckers: Ba-kaawwwwk! Thanks, jerk off!

Skippy: WTF?

Chiefs @ Browns

Skippy: It’s good to know that I was right when I said Jake Delhomme will be just as bad in Cleveland as he was in Carolina. His two INTs against the Bucs proves that he is a has been, and probably is actually a never was! The Chiefs showed some promise in their win over the Chargers, with young talent on both sides of the ball. I could see them winning 7 or 8 games this year. Pick: Chiefs.

Cluckers: I have now switched to tequila. Of course, I ate the worm. Pick: Chiefs.

Skippy: Man, you should work for ESPN!

Bears @ Cowboys

Skippy: The Bears should have lost to the Lions if not for the controversial call that rendered Calvin Williams touchdown an incomplete pass. That was a TD in my eyes and the Lions should have had that game. The Cowboys did everything they had to do to lose to my Redskins. 12 penalties for 91 yards, including a holding penalty on Alex Barron ensured the Redskins victory. Still, the Dallas defense kept the Skins’ offense in check most of the night. The Cowboys probably won’t have nearly as many penalties this week as they did on Sunday. Pick: Cowboys

Cluckers: I was waiting for Albert Haynesworth to stomp on Andre Gurode’s head again. Didn’t happen. Pick: Cowboys

Skippy: That’s because Haynesworth didn’t play much because he is pretty much a $100 million backup.

Eagles @ Lions

Skippy: Well, the Kevin Kolb era came to an abrupt halt now didn’t it? After leaving the game with a concussion, Michael Vick took over and almost led the Eagles to victory. No matter what your personal feelings toward Vick are, he still brings something to the football field that most teams find hard to defend. He looked like a better passer than I remember him being. Maybe he has matured, at least on the field. Off the field, who knows. Someone got shot at his 30th birthday. The Lions have to recover from a tough loss to the Bears, and their defense seems improved. The addition of Suh (not gonna try to spell his first name) and Vanden Bosch seems to have helped that side of the ball. And the Lions will be hungry for a win after having one snatched away from them last week. But it won’t be enough. Pick: Eagles.

Cluckers: So does this mean Vick will get his starting job back and then start another dogfighting enterprise?

Skippy: No, this time it will be cockfighting.

Cluckers: Low blow, dude! I need another 40 after that comment.

Skippy: You were gonna get another 40 either way, you beer bibber!

Cluckers: True dat, homey!

Bills @ Packers

Skippy: This will be short. The Bills suck, the Packers don’t. Pick: Packers

Cluckers: Have the Bills been moved to Toronto yet? Pick: Packers

Buccaneers @ Panthers

Skippy: This one is a toss up. Though they lost to the Giants, the Panthers intercepted Eli Manning three times. But their defense isn’t what it used to be. Josh Freeman showed some promise for the Bucs, but of course, that was against the Browns. I’ll go with the home team here. Pick: Panthers.

Cluckers: That’s typical. Use the old “Root for the home team” approach. Grow a pair, Skippy! Pick: Bucs.

Skippy: Hey, it’s only the second game of the season. It takes a few weeks to get an idea of how good or bad a team is going to be. Cut me some slack. On the other hand, it only took me a few seconds to figure out that you are the coop drunk!

Cluckers: Hey, I represent that remark!

Seahawks @ Broncos

Skippy: My question about the Seahawks from Sunday is “Are they that good, or are the 49ers that bad?” The answer is probably somewhere in the middle. The NFC West is full of mediocre or worse teams this year, so anything can happen. The Broncos lost to Jacksonville, who is the fourth best team in the AFC South. So for me, choosing the winner here is a crapshoot. So I think I’ll go with the better QB. Pick: Seahawks.

Cluckers: Tim Tebow is the man! He is going to lead the Broncos to glory! Pick: Broncos.

Skippy: Cluckers, did you happen to snort any of Dippy’s cocaine?

Cluckers: Who the fuck is Dippy?

Skippy: I will tell you later. Do you listen to Avenged Sevenfold, by chance?

Cluckers: Yeah man!

Skippy: That explains a lot, actually.

Rams @ Raiders

Skippy: I just now realized that the weakest division in the NFC (West) is playing the weakest division in the AFC (also the West!). Raider nation will be in full force, and the coliseum will look like some acid-infused biker rally, as usual. I liked Jason Campbell when he was a Redskin, and feel like he never had the chance to excel because he had a new offensive coordinator every year. He brings stability to the Raiders’ QB position, replacing Jamarcus Russell (aka, Stay-Puft). The Rams are rebuilding with rookie QB Sam Bradford, a process that will take some years, because the Rams need to seriously upgrade their offensive line. Pick: Raiders.

Cluckers: You wanna see alcoholics. Raiders fans are some hardcore alcoholics! I got nothing on them. My problems aren’t nearly as bad as theirs. I mean, they continue to go to games for a team that hasn’t been in the same ballpark as relevant for years. Pick: Raiders.

Skippy: Wait, you just bashed the Raiders, but are picking them to win? That’s messed up.

Cluckers: They’re playing the Rams, Skippy.

Skippy: Good point.

Texans @ Redskins

Skippy: So the Texans FINALLY beat the Colts. Arian Foster, who I never heard of until Sunday, ran for 231 yards against a suspect Colts run defense. BUT, they still gave up 434 passing yards, so their defense is still not great. The Skins defense, on the other hand, is shaping up to be one of the best in the league, even without the cancer that is Albert Haynesworth on the field every play. The Skins offense is still a work in progress though. So here we have a great Texans offense versus a great Skins defense. Pick: Redskins.

Cluckers: I’m going with the Texans solely because I knew you were going to pick your favorite team in this one. Pick: Texans.

Skippy: You and Rob Dibble are too much alike. You are both drunks, and you both don’t know when to shut up. I can axe you like the Nats did to Dibble if you like.

Cluckers: Never say the word “axe” to a chicken!

Skippy: Axe, axe, axe!

Patriots @ Jets

Skippy: I really haven’t bought into all the hype surrounding the Jets in the offseason. They were a trendy Super Bowl pick, and I don’t know why. Sure they have a great defense, and their running game was number one in the league last year. But the NFL has become a more pass-happy entity, and in that realm the Jets are lacking. Second-year QB Mark Sanchez has a lot of improving to do before the Jets become a legit Super Bowl contender. The Patriots, on the other hand, have plenty of experience on their roster, starting with Tom Brady. In addition, Rex Ryan has talked a lot of smack about the Patriots in the offseason, and the Patriots have long memories. Pick: Patriots.

Cluckers: I’ve been drinking the Jets’ Kool-Aid all summer. Sure, I’ve been adding vodka and rum to it, but I’ve been drinking it! Pick: Jets.

Skippy: Leave it to a drunk chicken to let others dictate what he believes!

Cluckers: Palin in 2012!

Skippy: Back to Detox!

Jaguars @ Chargers

Skippy:The Chargers have begun their annual tradition of starting the season slow. They never do very well in September for whatever reason. This year they are at even more of a disadvantage because the only receiving threat they have is Antonio Gates. They can only hope that rookie RB Ryan Matthews is the next great Chargers tailback. But I think they have enough firepower to get past the Jags this week. Pick: Chargers

Cluckers: I picked David Garrard for my fantasy team. Pick: Jaguars

Skippy: This keeps getting better and better.

Giants @ Colts

Manning Bowl II! The Colts just lost to the Texans, and I know they don’t want to start the season 0-2. Eli threw 3 INTs against the Panthers. Though I don’t think that’s a sign of things to come, the Giants need to run the ball consistently this week to keep Peyton off the field. That means getting the overrated Ahmad Bradshaw and the disgruntled Brandon Jacobs to share the ball. Hopefully the Colts’ run defense got a wake-up call after the loss to the Texans. Pick: Colts.

Cluckers (speech slurred almost beyond comprehension): You been ssssslurping Peyton Manning’sss asssss for years. Of course you picked the Colts, you sssssspineless imp! Pick: Giants.

Skippy: Seriously, Cluckers. Rob Dibble, man, Rob Dibble.

Saints @ 49ers

Despite the fact that they are the defending Super Bowl Champions, the Saints have a relatively easy schedule. They already passed one of the harder tests they will face by beating the Vikings, in a surprisingly defense-laden battle. I expect Drew Brees and the rest of the Saints offense will be firing on all cylinders this week. Don’t know what to say about the Niners. Was their loss to Seattle an aberration or a sign of a long season to come? Pick: Saints.

Cluckers: Sssssseriously, what is that thing on Drew Brees’ face? Pick: Saints.

Skippy: That was rude, Cluckers!

Cluckers: You think I worrrrrry about being polite?

Skippy: Probably not. Well, I think we need to work on our chemistry a bit,
Cluckers. Speaking of which, I think your brain chemistry is out of whack. You should really get psychiatrically evaluated.

Cluckers: You need to be pssssychiatrically valuated!

Skippy: Great comeback. See you next week.

Cluckers: Seriously, Brees should get that thing checked out. It could be cancerous or ssssomething. Ba-Kawwwk! Hiccup!

Skippy: Dear God, what did I get myself into?

New Math Metal Band: The Rob Dibble Travesty

Last night was a big letdown--of sorts. I thought for a few moments there that the Hokies weren't even going to put up a fight. That first quarter was abysmal. So many mistakes, and a porous defense. I am glad they came alive in the second and third quarters, but only to go silent again in the fourth. Overall, it was a disappointing loss for the Hokies, as it certainly puts National Title hopes in jeopardy. But Tyrod Taylor was amazing! I hope he can play like that all season, because if the running game gets going with Evans and Williams, that will be a three-pronged attack that few will be able to contain. The defense is clearly a work in progress, however, and the kicking game is even more of a liability. I don't think Hazley is the answer for field goals.

Overall, I took comfort in knowing VT could hang with Boise State until the end, and we showed flashes of greatness that could be. But consistency will be the key if we want to come out on top of the ACC. Depending on what happens with other National Title contenders, Tech could still have a shot at going to the Championship game. But no more losses, and other dominos have to fall. For instance, if you are a Hokie fan, you are also a Florida State and Miami fan for this weekend only, because they play Oklahoma and Ohio State, respectively. The more loses Oklahoma and OSU have, the better chance VT has of being considered a contender. So there is some hope!

In other news, Rob Dibble got fired as color commentator for the Washington Nationals. Dibble has always been a controversial choice as commentator for Nats games, due to some of the things he said during games. For instance, he was fascinated by two women sitting behind the dugout who appeared to be talking the whole game. He made a sexist comment about how they were probably talking about where the best clothing sales were going to be the next day. He focused on these women for several innings and continued to make sexist comments. The emails came flying in and Bob Carpenter, the lead commentator, kept trying to get Dibble to tone it down. I didn't watch this particular game on TV, but I would imagine Dibble had been drinking. That has been my running joke with my friend Keith, that Rob Dibble is a raging alcoholic, which is why he makes such stupid comments. And the worse the Nats are playing, the more Dibble drinks. But the straw that broke the camel's back was when he basically called Stephen Strasburg a cry baby because he injured his arm in a late August game. Later it was discovered that he tore the ligament in his elbow, which will require Tommy John surgery, the recovery from which takes 12-18months. I am now starting to think the Nationals will become a cursed team, starting with their star pitcher being out for the rest of this season and all of next season. Anyways, Dibble being fired gets mixed reviews from me. On one hand, I enjoyed making fun of his idiotic comments, his trying to quote lines from Adam Sandler movies, and his alleged drunken rants on how umpires don't call strikes as much as they use to "back in the day when I was pitching." Ironically, however, it was his idiocy that did Dibble in, and cost him his job.

Rob Dibble's demise kinda symbolizes D.C. sports in general: either a travesty already or one waiting to happen. The Wizards have not been relevant for years, at least not since I moved to VA in 1988. The Nationals are struggling to sell tickets and I wouldn't be surprised if the team moves in the next several years, because D.C. is not a baseball town. The Capitals have been good for a few years, but can't do anything in the playoffs. And the Redskins, well, they're the Redskins. Though I am fully confident the Skins will win more than four games thise year, I still have a sneaking suspicion they will be mediocre at best. Whether it's the aging backfield, the new offensive line, or the lack of good wide receivers (other than Santana Moss), this team does not feel like a playoff team to me. Donovan McNabb is a great QB, but who does he have to throw to other than Moss and my man Chris Cooley? One thing Coach Mike Shanahan will have to do is fix all the fuck ups the previous regime made. He has done that. The atmosphere around the team is more positive, and Shanny isn't taking any shit from players, whether they have a $600,000contract or a $100 Million contract. Looks like Albert Haynesworth may be traded back to the Titans, in a "Return to Sender" type scenario. And thank God! He is a cancer, no matter how much talent he may have.

I hope the future of D.C. Sports is bright, although I could care less about the aforementioned Wizards (I'm actually a Bobcats fan). I would love to see the Skins win another Super Bowl, for the Nats become contenders, and for the Capitals to hoist the Stanley Cup. Maybe in time, all of that will happen. But that is not my immediate concern. I now have to figure out what I'm going to do now that I can't make "Rob Dibble is an Alcoholic and idiot" jokes!

Frayed Nerves

I'm a nervous wreck right now. I am on-call for work today, and sitting in my office, and I am just a bundle of nerves. Though the College Football season started this past Thursday, and has gone on through the weekend, the only game I give a shit about is tonight. I have had this date in my mind for the past several months, since I found out the Virginia Tech-Boise State game was being moved from October to the first game of the season.

In a way, I hate it when the Hokies play a tough opponent for their first game. With a new season comes a new set of questions about how good or not good this version of the Hokies will be. I know going into tonight that the offense is solid! Tyrod is a senior, the wide receivers are in their third year, and they have a hellacious 1-2 punch at Tailback with Ryan Williams and Darren Evans, both 1000-yard rushers. The unknown quantities with the 2010 Hokies is the defense, which had to replace 7 starters, and the kicking game. So I hate going into a game against a tough opponent such as BSU not knowing what the Hokies will look like. At least if you have a few games against lesser opponents, the offense and defense have the opportunity to get in sync. But this is the first game, and they are playing a Boise team that returns a total of 21 starters from last year. That team went 14-0 last season, and they are one year more experienced. So I have been sitting here thinking about what it will take for VT to beat the Broncos. I figure it has to start with the running game. Ram the ball down Boise's throat to keep their high-powered offense off the field. And then pray that the defense can figure out Kellen Moore and the rest of the Boise offense pretty quickly. I have faith in Bud Foster's ability to get his guys prepared. But most of our defense is inexperienced. Damn I'm nervous.

And Pessimistic! Why? Maybe it's because VT is 0-21 against Top-5 ranked opponents away from Blacksburg. This game is at FedEx Field in Landover, MD. Essentially a home game, probably 90% of the fans will be rooting for VT. But that was the case several years ago when VT lost to USC at FedEx Field. So I am just going to say this:

It's time, Hokies! It's time you grab the respect you and your coach so well deserve. That national recognition that seems so fleeting. ACC Championships and Orange Bowl wins are great. But you know that case we have for our National Championship Crystal Ball? It's still empty! That means you have to play like you are possessed tonight, and for the whole season. God knows, all of our tough ACC games are on the road this year, for the most part. Miami is much improved, as is Florida State. It's not going to be easy. But beating Boise State tonight would go a long way to building the confidence needed to believe that no one can beat you!

So here's me cheering my VT Hokies on! Have a great game! I know I will have no fingernails left when all is said and done! I need a drink.

Are you ready? Yes, I'm ready!

Apparently, upper class families in Alaska cannot afford birth control. I read online about how Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, broke of her engagement (again) to wannabe hockey player Levi Johnston. According to the story, Levi, who is the father of Bristol's child, has impregnated another young woman, and this triggered the demise of their engagement, on the same day it was rekindled. I don't give a shit about this story AT ALL. I am not sure how it made it to cbsnews.com, and frankly, I don't care. I am sure it has something to do with Bristol's now barely-relevant mother. But the story of a girl being pissed at her ex-boyfriend/father of her child because he got some other girl pregnant is hardly newsworthy. Their's is a story that plays out in every corner of the country. Therefore, devoting an entire article to one instance of this very common phenomenon seems like a waste of resources.

By stark contrast, I am VERY interested in anything relating to the upcoming football seasons, college and professional. August is one of my favorite month, if only because NFL training camps commence and college football programs begin their fall practices. I get to evaluate the talent on the Virginia Tech roster and develop high hopes for the Hokies in the upcoming season. On the other hand, I get to watch daily reports about how Albert Haynesworth cannot seem to pass the Redskins' conditioning test. This story would be completely comical if it weren't for the fact that this is a player in which the Skins invested $100 million over the next 7 years. He has already been paid $32 Million of that money, and for doing nothing but being a constant pain in the ass of everyone in the Redskins Organization. He has done nothing but bitch and complain about how playing Nose Tackle in Defensive Coordinator Jim Haslett's 3-4 defense because it doesn't cater to his skill set. Damn, Albert, for $100 million, wouldn't you say you should be making the adjustments your employer is asking of you? Just a thought.

But the main reason I know the NFL season is upon us is the now traditional Annual Brett Favre "Will he or won't he retire?" saga. I love Brett Favre as a player. His grittiness and brazen approach to the quarterback position is something I respect greatly. But his constant retiring and unretiring is getting, well, tiring!

My expectations for the Redskins this year are not high, like they EVER really are. Having a new coaching staff in place means needing at least one season to adjust to new offensive and defensive systems, new terminology, and development of team chemistry. Is Donovan McNabb the QB who will take the Skins to the Super Bowl? I am not fully convinced that he is, mostly because he has not been able to play a full season for the past six years due to injury. I think skillwise, he still has the talent to lead a team deep into the playoffs. But his durability has always been his Achilles' Heel. The Skins are also relying on a trio of aging tailbacks to produce in the running game: Clinton Portis, Larry Johnson, and Willie Parker, all of whom are at least 30 years old. All in all, I am not expecting a whole lot from the Redskins this year.

On the other hand, I am very optimistic about the Hokies. They are absolutely loaded on offense this year. This starts with their running game. When you have Ryan Williams as your starting running back, you are in great shape. The kid ran for over 1,600 yards last season. Backing him up is the 2008 starter, Darren Evans, who rushed for 1,200 yards that season. He would have been the starter last year, but had a season ending ACL injury. He has looked great in practice. So the running game is solid with those two in the backfiel, not to mention David Wilson and Josh Oglesby, who are pretty good runners themselves. The O-line is much more athletic than last year. The wide receiving corp are all Juniors now, and will only continue to improve. The only question about the Hokies this season will be how effectively they can replace all the starters they lost on defense. But with Bud Foster as the Defensive Coordinator, I wouldn't worry too much. Plus, if the offense can run the clock down with their powerful running attack, the defense may not have to be on the field a whole lot. Any questions about the Hokies will be answered the first game of the season when they host Boise State on Labor Day.

Football season is by far my favorite time of the year, although I doubt my wife would say the same thing on her own behalf. I am hopeful that I will be able to go to at least one Hokies game this year, in Blacksburg. Not only does football season excite me because of the game itself, but it also symbolizes the commencement of Autumn, my favorite season. At this point, I am sick of hot weather. 90 degree days with high humidity are fun no longer. I am ready for October, when the temps drop to the 60's and you can golf without constantly having to mop the sweat of your brow. So yes, I am ready for some football!

"You're wearing the shirt for the band you are going to see? Don't be that guy!"

Blogging is quickly becoming my favorite "downtime at work" pasttime. And to avoid the Internet police, I usually write up my blog on Microsoft Word and paste it into the blog. Although, I am not sure if the agency really looks at internet use outside of normal business hours. I mean, it's 9:40pm, for goodness sakes. They gotta figure we have SOME downtime on this shift.

So I was perusing the internet briefly to find out information about the Acacia Strain, a metal band whose new album I am interested in purchasing at some point. I am doing this primarily because I am trying to calm down after the case I just dealt with at the Lynchburg General ER (I will get to that in a moment). Apparently, the Acacia Strain is not allowed to play anymore gigs at the House of Blues in Orlando, Florida. The reason for this is because there was a brawl during the concert, but not during Acacia's set. However, the proprietors of the club identified that several brawl participants had Acacia Strain shirts on.

I have two problems with this. First, why punish the Acacia Strain when the brawl didn't even occur during their set. Second, why were the Acacia Strain fans blatantly engaging in the most cardinal sin of concertgoing, that being "Don't ever wear a t-shirt for the band you are going to see!". So now I'm thinking that House of Blues, Orlando has banned the Acacia Strain because of their dorky, Acacia Strain shirt-wearing fans, not because of some brawl. It is a well known fact that when you go to a metal concert, you wear a shirt from a band that is not performing at that concert. If you don't have any metal shirts, then you wear a camoflage t-shirt, black jeans and white high tops like this idiot Roman and I saw at an Obituary concert once. The dude looked like Cha-Chi, and he started hitting on the wife of Obituary's bassist Frank Watkins, who promptly stared Cha-Chi down and gave him the throat slash gesture.

So back to that ECO case I worked at the ER. I like to believe that there are no bad cases in crisis work, and by bad I mean "wastes of my time". 99.9% of the case I see are at least rooted in some valid concerns by family, friends or other CSB staff. However, tonight's case was a waste of time and resources. I can't go into all the details due to confidentiality of course. But suffice it to say, the case had me scratching my head as to how the Magistrate in Appomattox County even decided there was enough evidence to issue an ECO. The client and his wife have a marriage that has long since been dead. I think the wife made up a whole bunch of stuff to get the client ECO'd and subsequently evaluated by mental health. And this gentleman I was evaluating was completely flabbergasted about what happened. The more information I obtained from him, as well as his daughter, the more I realized that his wife had gotten an ECO under false pretenses. I felt sorry for the man after that, but moreover, I was pretty livid inside.

The reason I was so angry was because this woman wasted a lot of time and resources with her little escapade. First, she wasted the magistrate's time. Then, she wasted time and resources of the Appomattox Sheriff's Department, who had to use one of their few on-duty deputies to transport the client to the ER for assessment. Third, she wasted time and resources of the ER staff, by taking up an ER bay with an "ECO for spite" case. Finally, she wasted my time because I still had to do all of the same paperwork I would do for a legitimate case.

Needless to say, I have had to process this incident in my head. I feel better now, but my drive back to the office consisted of me ruminating over it in my head. I can rest easy tonight and contemplate going to an Acacia Strain concert at some point in time. Unfortunately, it won't be on Mickey Mouse's turf.

REAGAN!! REAGAN!!

That's what I was screaming at the television today. While our new Air Conditioning unit was being installed by my brother-in-law's HVAC Technician friend Aaron, I was watching episodes of JEOPARDY I had recorded on DVR. I watch that show religiously and my work schedule does not allow me to watch it during its normal timeslot. This week is "Kids Week" on the show. So I get to feel a lot smarter watching Jeopardy than normal because the questions are catered to 10-12 year olds. But on one of the episodes, the one from Tuesday, the kids really upset me!

I forget the category now, but the clue asked the contestants to identify who the U.S. President was that was shown in a picture wherein he is shaking hands with a Chinese politician. Looking at the picture, I clearly identified that President as Ronald Reagan. I THOUGHT the kids would all know this as well. However, I was sorely disappointed, and later, a bit depressed. First off, none of the three kids knew who the President was. What made it worse is that they went ahead and took a stab at it anyways. One kid said "Who is Nixon?". Nope! Another kid said "Who is JFK?". What the heck? When Alex Trebek informed these youngins of the correct answer, he had this dispondent look on his face. I agree, Alex. I thought they should have known that too!

The reason I felt a bit depressed later on is because I am now starting to feel a bit old. God, I am only 33, but I feel like such a lamer. I find myself talk about what kind of crap passes off as music these days, and how can today's kids listen to that junk? I reminisce about "good" music, like Alice in Chains, Nirvana, and old-school Nine Inch Nails, and how today's bands can't hold a candle to those legendary artists. I mean, there is a whole generation of 16 year olds who never saw Kurt Cobain alive. And now, these same kids apparently have no idea who the hell Ronald Reagan was. Love him or hate him, he was one of the more iconic Presidents we have had. And these young Jeopardy contestants took a (failed) stab at it!

I know I am not a young, idealistic 17 year old boy anymore. The gradual disappearance of hair on top of my head is certainly evidence of that. But when I start talking about how I can't believe these kids today don't know who Reagan is, or how I can't stand the music today's kids listen to, I start coming to the realization that I am showing my age a bit. What's worse, I am starting to sound like my parents. They bashed my music and talked about how Elvis and the Beatles kick my music's ass. And I would just laugh at them because there was no way Elvis is better than Alice in Chains.

Let's face it! If you are currently in your 30's, you were primarily brought up in the 80's and 90's. The world has changed immensely since those decades. We didn't have the Internet, iPods, or cell phones when I was in high school. Life was simpler. We didn't have to worry about kids getting in trouble for sexting, we didn't have Emo (we had Goth, but not Emo). We knew how to use a pay phone, and in some cases, a rotary phone. With everything going on in American schools these days, I am almost scared to send my own kids to public schools. School violence continues to be a growing epidemic, kids having sex at younger and younger ages. And it all starts at home!

Here is my plea to all the parents out there who are raising young kids. Do right by your kids. Today's parents are my peers, and we were all raised with Mr. Rogers telling us "You're Special!" This gave my generation a sense of entitlement, and therefore, when my generation becomes parents, they are more lax when it comes to raising their kids. They let their kids get away with a hell of a lot more than my parents let me get away with. Though people from my generation may be starting to feel old, we still have a lot of growing up to do! Our kids depend on it. We have to have the right balance between letting our children grow up to be unique individuals and dishing out proper discipline when necessary. We need to emphasize the importance of the past with our children, if only to help them learn from the mistakes of the past so as not to repeat them. Overall, we have to arm our kids with the knowledge they need to be successful in life. And we can start by making sure they know who Ronald Reagan is!