Excerpts from break-up letters to:
My ex-girlfriend who had the hysterectomy: "You have everything I ever wanted in a potential wife, except for a reproductive system."
My ex-girlfriend who had Multiple Personalities: "…and it is for all these reasons that I must break up with you, Cindy Lou, Tabitha, and Lubach from the planet Zorkon 5."
My ex-girlfriend the acrophobic: "I just can't be with a woman who is incapable of taking our relationship to new heights."
My ex-girlfriend the bulimic: "How do you think it feels to be with someone who constantly throws things up in your face?"
My ex-girlfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder: "I HATE YOU! NO WAIT, I LOVE YOU! I HATE YOU! I LOVE YOU!. NO WAIT! I FUCKING HATE YOU! WAIT, CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS? NEVER MIND, I HATE YOU! CALL ME?"
My ex-girlfriend the fecophiliac: "You only ever took interest in our relationship when the shit hit the fan…or the ceiling, or the wall, or the duvet."
My ex-girlfriend the hermaphrodite: "Go fuck yourself."
My ex-girlfriend who had Attention Deficit Disorder: "I mean come on! How could you treat me like that when all I ever did was respect….Did I deposit that money in the bank? I don't remember. What was I saying?"
YES I KNOW THOSE WERE TOTALLY LAME, AND BRIANNE IS PROBABLY ROLLING HER EYES. BUT HEY, I NEED A PLACE TO PUT ALL THE CRAP IN MY HEAD, AND MYSPACE SEEMS TO FOOT THE BILL.
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